Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"
That was uplifting news
He said "It's a tire."
But if you saw it, it wouldn't be as good
TunerFish! My son came up with that one yesterday, future smart ass dad in training.
He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”
I told him, you know the drill!
Overall.
I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.
He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.
Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.
Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.
... but another part of me disagrees.
So far, I find it very boring
He said he could stop any time he wants.
Quaran-teen
Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart
http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN
Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:
"Wiper no Wiping!!"
Carmen. I'll show myself out.
The Early Years.
1: it has to be a CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity
2: you’re wrong, it was a Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one
3: you’re both wrong, it was an Urban Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent.
It replied "no thanks, I've just retired."
I’d love to say they did a good job, but it feels like it’s really braking.
He nuts and bolts.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
It looked exhausting
Hear about the mute bicycle mechanic?
He picked up a wheel and spoke 😂
You cant know if theres a punch line or a punch wave
He was just tankering.
That's my Mployment record.
He nuts and bolts
My father has been working as an elevator mechanic most of his life. Whenever people ask him how work is going he says "It has its ups and downs" Hes been making this joke for 27 years
She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
You know, just some idle banter.
An ottoman
I never knew this is what he meant when he said he was retiring.
They charge $500 to "fix" a bunch of stuff that probably wasn't even really wrong with your atom in the first place.
Pump-a-Nickel
Dad: I have a coworker who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Me: Really?
Dad: Yeah, he says he can stop anytime.
A Rowbot
Car-patch-io
Bad strut.
He was tireless.
He told my timing was retarded. Somewhat offended, I asked him "when would it have been a better time to bring it in?"
I'm putting a rear end in my recliner.
They have loose tools.
So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.
But I do understand the Trans Mission.
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Beep repaired!
It was mostly riveting.
A mechanical engineer makes weapons and a civil engineer makes targets.
Man: "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Mechanic: "I'm a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yeah, I know." Mechanic: "Well, why did you come here then?" Man: "Your light was on."
He didn't have the right gear!
Mechanics, Because it talks about the force.
One might say I'm a little stressed.
He was mechanically inclined.
Fast 10: your seatbelts
I asked her if he found his work uplifting.
We chatted a bit about work, and I asked him if he liked being a mechanic: "Yeah, but at the end of the day, I feel like I've been through an engine. I'm exhausted."
Shocking.
Whenever anyone asks how the business is he says "It has its ups and downs."
Brother: It would be crazy if they didn't label keys by their owner's car. How would they know which key belonged to which car?
Dad: It would be anarchy.
I was telling my dad about how we just got our car back from being fixed at our local mechanic and had a pretty disappointing experience. I had to call back several times only to find that there would be further delays (5 days total) until the car was repaired and after 'cleaning' the car and they left grease marks everywhere - including all over the windows, on the steering wheel and door handles.
My dad cut in with "at least you could slip through the traffic easily".
He drove semi for UPS for 32 years until he retired. He used to tell people he was a "semi professional driver"
eye roll
Their Ten-Gear anniversary.
I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation. I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing
I guess the car was two tired.
He replied "that's a good trade"
When I helped him out in the shop:
Me: I think I put that bolt in the wrong hole.
Dad: Did it slap you?
Me: What?
Dad: Well, if it didn't slap you, then it wasn't in the wrong hole!
Bonus dad joke:
Me: What's for dinner?
Dad: Something with food in it.
(Every single night)
Friend: What kind of orange is that? Me: A navel orange? Friend: So how is that different from an army orange? Me: ...
Every time he'd mention "moment of inertia", he'd say "it is an additive quantity—not addictive". He's said it well over twenty times but we somehow still laugh.
I'll hold these two up, you go on ahead.
My friends 90 something year old grandmother got her with this today.
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
The antichimera mechanism.
(I don't know how obscure this is, but if it doesn't make sense click this link)
No jokes here, just a request for some help/clever words. (admin - delete if you're looking just for jokes).
My 12yo son has decided to do a school speech on dad jokes! He is attempting to categorise different types (in a comedic way if possible), Herding cats is easier.
As a Dad my joke are funny (mainly just to me) and off the cuff (so no use in a planned setting); I am requesting some help from those dads more wordy than myself; looking to impart sage words.
Any help will be appreciated and if the speech goes well i will post it.
thanks in advance
Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.
Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.
He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.
Master Cylinder
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
Rivet rivet
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
