A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, Β£2.50."

I thought β€œWhy would anyone pay to see that?”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I was walking past a shop, and there was a classic bomb in the window Beside it was a sign that read "$1, irreplaceable fuse"

I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secretseacrits549
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Dad fell through a shop window.

Now he's in pane.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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I just saw a sign in the window of a shop saying, 'SAL'

I thought to myself, "They've got a sale with 25% off."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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I was walking past the barber shop today and he had a sign in the window that read, 'Haircuts - $5 each' so I went in...

When he'd finished, he said, "Right Sir, that'll be $450,000 please."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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I went window shopping today.

I bought 4 windows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herumdegumff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Window Shopping
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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I love Window shopping.

8 GB ram, i7 processor, Nvidia graphics and 14 inch screen comes in real handy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalfFry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
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We shall look into this
πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabulousStomach
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The clown with the dented car

A clown was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His clown car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a clown, so he decided to have some fun. He told the clown just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the clown went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into his clown car’€™s tailpipe. Nothing happened. He blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another clown, came home and said, β€˜Β€ΒœWhat are you doing?’€ The first clown told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled his eyes and said’, "HEL-LOOOOOOOO "! You gotta roll up the windows!!!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-with-the-dented-car/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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If I purchase something from Microsoft Store,

Am I window shopping?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjngjie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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I was looking at shoes online...

Husband: Is there a shoe sale?

Me: No, I'm just window shopping.

Husband: Isn't it online shopping, since there's no window?

Me: But I'm using Windows.

Did not get a laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msoc
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2015
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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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Shop based egg pun

I need help coming up with a pun for my son's Easter art project. He has done a shop window display using three egg shells as vases in a window box up front. It needs a catchy title based on eggs and shops. Best I've come up with is 'Yolk-al Village Store'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoLo99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2016
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5 year old daughter Dad joked Dad.

My daughter and I were walking through the mall yesterday and asked if we could buy one of those Frozen decorative finger nail sets.

I told her, "No, we are only window shopping today." She with the most smug look I have ever seen replies back with "We don't need a new window."

She got that nail kit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archer66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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My dad told me this joke when I was 12...

A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.

A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."

Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is put on a great, big grin and ask him "Hey Pops! Can I get a Ferrari?". His dad, again, asks him "Can your dick touch your ass?", but this only makes the kid smile even wider. The kid responds with an enthusiastic "You betcha!", beaming right at his dad.

The dad just stares blankly at his son for a little while and tells him:

"Then you can go fuck yourself."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brohanwashere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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I was browsing the internet looking at prices for a new PC...

...I was asked if I intended to buy. I said no, I was just Windowsβ„’ shopping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffiend2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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I made a service clerk walk away.

There is a CVS about a 5 minute walk from my house that I like to get my convenience shopping done at with these auto-checkout kiosks that always lock up. I scanned my drinks and like clockwork the machine started beeping that somebody would be available to assist me shortly; the machine had locked up. A young girl scans her ID to bring it back to functionality and asks if I needed any further assistance.

I pointed to my reflection in the window and said "No thanks, I'm going to finish checking myself out and be on my way" and flexed a bit

It took her a second, but once the guy in the photo department started cracking up she got it. I laughed all the way home.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nemesis0320
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Pulled a good one at the clothing store I work

Me: "Are you looking for something special today?"

Customer: "Not really, we're about to change all the windows in our house so I can't really afford anything right now."

Me: "Oh, so you're just window shopping, then."

Got a confused "eheh, yeaa" and a weird look but it was worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sk1llbug
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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Dadjoked an auto glass shop.

I was calling an auto glass shop for a quote after my gf's car was broken into.

Me: It was the driver-side rear window, yes.
Ok, and is there any more pieces of broken glass? Me: Yes, a couple hundred pieces in and around the door.... But no, no other windows were damaged.

Luckily the person on the phone thought it was funny.
My girlfriend did not.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1600cc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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So dad wants to open a shop...

Specifically, he'd like to open up a stationery shop.

And put up a sign in the window.

Saying "WE ARE MOVING".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AIWDI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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Happy Holidays Edition

I was over at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago when his dad stopped by. I've had this friend for twenty years, and his father knew me since I was a wee lad. All of the Christmas decorations are strewn through the neighborhood, including my friends neighbors house whose yard is filled with these 4 foot tall wrapped Christmas gifts adorned with colorful lights. My friend's dad looked out the window and saw the boxes. "Say, your neighbors left some pretty big presents out in the yard." My friend replies, "You should take 'em, save money on your. Christmas shopping." His dad instantly says, "They might be too big to fit in my car. Although, they do look pretty...light."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murmur322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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I saw an ad in a shop window, β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

β€œI can't turn that down.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CulturedGrass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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I saw an ad in a shop window, β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

β€œI can’t turn that down”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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I saw an ad in a shop window "television for sale 1$, volume stuck on max." I thought

I can't turn that down.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I just saw a sign in the window of a shop saying 'SAL'

I thought to myself, "They've got a sale with 25% off!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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