Look Outside Puns

"Hurry! Cane!"

I guess you could say I have In-pasta Syndrome...

and then it dawned on me

I told them I wouldn't make it a habit.

While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s)

Letter “I”: W: “ I is for..... iguana” S: “iguana.... iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.”

He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Landed this on my six year old yesterday

Looks like the trash men are outside arguing. How do you know Dad? I just heard one of them yell this job is garbage!

Lost on him. But I have been laughing fir a day

dad runs outside and looks up at the sky WHICH ONE?!

I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

So the string goes outside and waits for a while. He goes back in and sets at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “we don’t serve string here. So, frustrated the string goes back outside and sits n the curb. Boom, he gets run over and tumbles and starts to come apart.
He goes back into the same bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks closely at him and says “hey aren’t you that piece of string that was just in here?” The string looks him in the eye and says “nope, I’m a frayed knot!”

The old man was cheery and happy while his wife did not share his joy. The old man said; "honey why're you grumpy? It's christmas!" She said; "but deer look! All our crops are dying if this goes on we won't survive the winter. We need a christmas miracle for that." The old man looked outside and said; "Honey, look a christmas miracle!" The old lady got filled with glee and looked outside, and there was santa flying in his sleigh. She said; "But honey was wasn't hoping for santa in his sleigh, I was hoping for rain-dear!"

As we are getting close to walking into the store we walk past three gentlemen standing outside and one of them is holding some lumber. My father in-law looks at them and says "Must be having an important board meeting, carry on gentlemen".

We died laughing.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

I was at the mall the other day and saw this gentleman sitting outside a store with a stack of flyers. He asked another me as I walked by, “Excuse me sir, would you like a flyer?” I looked down and replied, “Yea bro, sure.”

2: an inside and an outside.

He was also fond of:

What looks like half a butterfly?

The other half.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."

(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

I noticed a midget in prison clothes climbing down the outside of the fence. And as he looked down at me and sneered, I thought, "That's a little con descending."

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

I’ve been looking to get some masonry work done on a garden boundary outside my house, but the last builder I used ripped me off. He turned up with Pink Floyd blasting on his radio, laid one stone and then left, and he hasn’t been seen since.

I’m a bit disappointed by it, but all in all it’s just another brick in the wall...

Me: It looks like it's going to rain on Tuesday

Gf: Don't trust that too much, the weather is like never right

Me: Not if it's 90 degrees outside

I got a really good sigh out of that

I'm not sure... From an outside perspective though, the flag looks like a big plus.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

The sun was especially hot and they became thirsty. The first string said to his friends, "I know of a good bar down the street. Let's go get a drink." The three agreed and walked together to the bar.

The bar was dark and empty, with classic country playing over a scratchy AM radio. The bartender was a worn old man with a salt and pepper hair and a bushy moustache. They sat down at the bar together, relieved to be inside from the heat.

The bartender looked up with a sullen frown, as the first string ordered three beers. He stared at them for a long second and said, "We don't serve yer kind 'ere."

The strings sat for a moment, surprised at the bartender's prejudice, but stood up and left without a word. As they walked out into the desert heat again, the second string spoke up. "Man, I'm dying out here. We gotta get a drink somewhere."

"I know of another place," the first string said, and led them to a pub down the block. The three strings were badly dehydrated and getting tired, but soon enough they made it to the pub.

Inside there were a few bikers at a table, who turned in their chairs to stare at the strings shuffling by. The bartender cast a wary glance at them as they approached and took their seats at the bar.

Before the strings could a word, the pub owner walked out from a room in the back and yelled, "We don't serve strings in this establishment!" The third string stood up, infuriated, but the second string held him back and they walked out again without a word.

Back on the dusty street outside, the three strings were growing faint. The stores were closed, and they were getting desperate. "C'mon, there's gotta be some place to get a drink!" the third string moaned.

"I know one more place," the first string said. So they walked a good mile down the road to a dive bar on the edge of town. Instead of walking in, the first string stopped his pals.

"Wait a minute, guys," the first string said. He bent over and tied himself, then tousled his hair and straightened up. The other two thought he'd lost his mind in the heat, but walked in behind him.

As the door swung shut behind them, they looked around. The only waitress was serving a couple of rednecks at a corner booth, and all three turned to stare at the strings.

"Say," the scrawny redneck started, "Ain't y'all some of them strings?"

"Naw," the first one said, "I'm a frayed knot."

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"

And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.

I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"

I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.

Someone call 911 I'm ded

A bunch of kids were in the dining hall at the windows yelling about dolphins outside the ship, they were super excited; it's all they talked about and all they did.

I looked at my gf and said, "you'd think these kids' lives lacked any porpoise..."

Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.

My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"

The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.

I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”

A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”

A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”

Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours

A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!

A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.

What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.

Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!

What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?

What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

Family just finished eating, and my father and I stepped outside. We noticed some ice cream spilled on the rough gravel of the parking lot.

Dad: what flavor does that look like to you?

Me: I don't know. Maybe mint?

Dad: I was thinking rocky road.

As we drove down the highway we passed a bunch of fire trucks all parked directly outside of a fitness center. My dad taps me on the shoulder, I turn to look at him, and he says:

"I guess somebody must have burned too many calories"

We were talking about the eclipse and where best to go outside and look at it (with proper viewing glasses, of course). My mom asked "Where is the sun right now?"

My dad and I both responded, instantly and in unison, "It's up in the sky!"

We laughed, high fived, and my mom rolled her eyes so hard that they almost popped out of her head. Good times y'all.

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuck off, Dad.

...for days, parched and exhausted. Eventually, he came across a small town and headed straight for the tavern. The string walked in, went up to the bar, and ordered a tall glass of water. The bartender looked at the string and said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string couldn't believe it, but was forced to leave. Outside, he asked a stranger for help. He said to the stranger, "Hey pal, could you help a string out? The bartender won't serve me, so I need a disguise. Could you twist me into a knot so it looks like I have a head?." The stranger obliged and offered to do even better, "Let me fray out your top a little so you have hair, too." With renewed confidence, the string goes back into the tavern and orders a glass of water. The bartender suspiciously asks, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

Oh, I'm just looking outside at some sky butt.

What?

The sky is mooning me.

Daaaaaad!

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

Was out at dinner with my wife. We were seated outside since it wasn't that cold. As we were seating, a lady with an awesome steampunk themed tattoo walked by. Unfortunately she was also wearing a top that showed off her cleavage.

SO: What are you looking at?

Me: Her tattoo, look it's awesome.

SO: HA! Yeah more like you're looking at her TITS-TWO!

A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.

A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."

Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is put on a great, big grin and ask him "Hey Pops! Can I get a Ferrari?". His dad, again, asks him "Can your dick touch your ass?", but this only makes the kid smile even wider. The kid responds with an enthusiastic "You betcha!", beaming right at his dad.

The dad just stares blankly at his son for a little while and tells him:

"Then you can go fuck yourself."

A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, "I guess that was a big missed stake." He just rolled his eyes as I laughed!

Edit: how do you not know him?

We were driving down the highway just outside our city, and where we live they had to blast through a lot of rock to build this highway. My girlfriend, looking at one of these rocks we drive through asks:

'I wonder how they got the rock to look like that"

me: "well it's simple, they were e'road'ed"

she didn't speak to me for the rest of the trip.

For as long as I can remember, my dad would go into the bathroom and drop a real stinky shit, then wait outside the bathroom until my mom wanders by at which time he would say something along the lines of "Goddamn Carol! Light a match in there next time! What crawled up your ass and died?!". My mom always would look mortified and defend herself as if she actually did it. Even after countless years of seeing him pull the same routine over and over again it's still hilarious.

So I was leaving the local music store on an overcast day, and I passed by an older gentleman outside on the walk to my car. It had started sprinkling pretty hard at this point.

Old man: "Looks like rain" Me: "Feels like it, too!"

Blank stare as I get in my car and drive away

My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner...

During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, "Looks like it is snowing outside." The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, "No, it's definitely raining." The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

They had two types of corn bread and my mother and I were trying to figure out what the difference between them was.
I looked at her with a grin slowly spreading across my face and said "maybe one is cornier."
I had to go outside for a minute because I was laughing so hard at my own joke.

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

Let me tell you a story about the first dad joke I ever told.

I was 4 years old and running around outside without shoes on. When my mom noticed she said, "Starkid08 you get in here with your bare feet!"

Without missing a step I look down at my feet and say," These aren't my BEAR feet, these are my PEOPLE feet!"

We still recall this story from time to time when talking to my many aunts.

Walking through the mall.... They have a show model of a Buick that they are selling, sitting outside the food court...

My dad..everytime...without fail.....

"Would ja look at the parking spot THEY got!!!"

My girlfriend and I were looking for a collar for our cat:

Her: "I need to find cat collars"

Me: "well hun if you want cat collars just wear something cute and go outside."

This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"

Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"

Nephew: "why not?"

Me: "Because they have have bear feet"

My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"

Dad:I can't wait for hunting season. Mom: You never shoot anything, I don't get you. Dad:Its just nice being outside and sometimes I look through the scope and almost pull the trigger. Mom:Of course you do honey you're such a cute wuss sometimes. Dad:Good thing for you I am Mom:Why'd you say that honey? Dad: Sometimes you're very deer to me sweetheart

So this is one my dad just said to me "The other day I ate three apples before lunch time. As I was on my break I noticed a taxi pull up outside the office with three doctor's in it, they looked right at me and drove off again"

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

My dad came inside looking concerned. He exclaimed, "There's people outside!" So my mom and I walked outside to see what he was talking about. We didn't see anybody so my mom asked, "Where?" To which my dad replied, "Everywhere."

So me and my dad were outside the local park's eating area, which had a big sign reading "No dogs allowed" on the wall next to it. A family walks straight in with their dog. My dad, expressionless, looks at the sign, then the dog, then looks back at me and simply says: "Uhh... I guess the dog can't read"

He sits at the bar and asks the barkeep, "I'd like a drink, please." The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here. You need to go." The string reluctantly says "Okay..." and leaves.

Outside, the string gets the idea to tie himself up and try again.

He goes back into the bar and sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender turns around and says, "Look man, I told you we don't serve string here. Please leave." The string gets up and heads back outside.

Determined, the string decides to try one more thing. He decides to mess up his hair, wait a bit, and try again.

The string walks back into the bar and sits down and asks the bartender, "Hello sir, I'd like a drink, please." The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, weren't you just in here not too long ago?"

The string looks him in the eye and replies confidently, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

Today she's being a rather well known blonde from "Frozen", working outside at a festival in the wind and rain. She sent me a picture of herself dressed up and looking a bit miserable, to which I replied:

"You look like you'd rather be somewhere.....ELSA"

During class last Friday, two cars started honking at each other all of a sudden outside out of our classroom window.

One student looks out and says, "Oh, it's just two mail trucks going past each other."

The teacher immediately replys, "Wow, I wonder how female trucks greet each other then."

I barback for a friend on Sunday mornings. Part of that job includes cutting my own lemons and limes for brunch service. Because we only order organic produce, it's fairly common to get nasty looking fruit.

I'd been mulling over this thought for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment to capitalize on the growing, searing flame inside of me when finally, after much preparation, I found one. A lemon that looked fine on the outside and was nasty on the inside. I turned to the bartender and simply said, "I think I found a Lemon."

He groaned. And walked away. But the dad's at the bar chuckled a little.

So my friend was burning off yard trash (controlled burn...put away your pitchforks reddit) from the lot he recently had cleared during the day. I show up at his place in the evening and we go outside to see how much debris was left. He pokes some of it with a stick and hears a hard glass sound and says, "What the heck is that?!" I lean down to look at it and reply, "I think it's petrified wood....but I have no idea what scared it." He rolled his eyes, and his 16 year old daughter laughed her ass off.

One team hits it too far up and it touches a ceiling light. I say "outside interference" and he looks at me, points at the ceiling, and says with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye "if anything that's an inside interference." I love my dad.

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."

Rudolph looks out the window and says "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says,

"Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

First of all sorry for any spelling or grammar errors.

My friend had a bad pain in his right shoulder. He went to the female doctor who did all the things doctors do.

I waited him outside because I was driving, and I waited for a about 30 minutes.

Finally he was done and we were ready to go home. I asked him how it went and he said to me that the doctor is really nice and good looking and that she was all over him, checking the arm, shoulder and the back, joking that she wanted him.

And I jokingly said on english "She want's the D", he said yea dude and smiled and I continued "Diagnose".

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumé I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

As we walked out the front door to run errands, she looks up and says, "these birds are so indecisive, every time we come outside their on the fence"

I'm visiting my parents from out of town and we all had gone outside to see the super moon and the meteor shower.

My dad waited until I said something along the lines of "oh wow look at the super moon."

That's when it started. He began singing "Super moon, super moon, it's super moonay" to the tune of "super freak." My mom, not to be outdone, joined in.

I'm clearly not having it so after seeing the super moon I go back inside. They follow me inside and I trip over their dog Tink. Annoyed I said, "Stupid Tink" setting off a new chorus of Super Tink.

11pm outside of a gas station twenty miles from Tuscan. Watching the last embers of a cigarette sputter out and die. So long. Too long. Too long is the road in front of me, the road behind me. How long have I been standing here? Too long.

Hear a voice next to me: "Spare some change for gas?"

I turn to look at him, and realize how long it's been since I've seen another human being. Too long. I said: "Yep. What a concept. I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change."

My Grandfather passed it on to my dad who I picked it up from and now my son just looks at me. It works for almost everything.

-Anyone: "geez it's cold outside"

-me: "yeah it's not very warm either"

Or

-"look how small that car is" -"it's not very big either"

"I think that guy is sleeping over there" "Yeah, he's not very awake either"

So yeah, not the best, but it's somthing I constantly do whenever I can think of the opposite.

Outside, snow everywhere. We see some birds in a tree.

Co worker "I bet they wish they went south for winter" Me "Maybe not, looks like they are just CHILLing"

> Having holes drilled into house for insulation

> Standing outside with Dad watching workmen do their thing

"Is our house a church now?" I ask.

> Strange look from Dad and other workmen

"Seems like we have... hol(e)y walls!"

> Cue me standing there, grinning like I'm Jimmy Carr, Dad facepalming.

I just remembered a story about my dad from when I was a kid and figured you guys would appreciate it.

We were on a vacation/road trip. My mom wanted to stop at some big flea market on our way out. My sister and I had never been to a flea market before. My dad knew we didn't know what to expect. When we arrived my dad told us to stand outside the car before we went in. He walked over to us and told us to lift our arms. He brought out some bug spray. He sprayed our arms and legs. My sister and I had no idea what was going on. He looked at us, completely serious, "for the fleas", he says. Never laughed or mentioned it again.

The computer at the liquor store froze while I was on cash. An older guy placed his booze on the counter and I said, "sorry, I can't serve you right now, the computer is froze." He looks me in the eye, says "well, it is pretty cold outside" and then walked away.

I don't know if this necessarily qualifies as a "dad joke" as much as a "dad move" but when I was younger, about 10 or 11, I was in the backyard with my dad on a summer afternoon. The sun was going down and I nonchalantly said, "I wonder what time it is..." He looked up towards the sun and pointed with his left hand, causing me to look with him. He answered, "Oh, about 5:36." I was in awe that he could be so exact but I still thought it was a guess, so I ran inside to check the clock in the kitchen. Sure enough, it read 5:36. I was amazed but my dad refused to tell me his secret. He just kept saying he just knew based on the sun, and that it was "magic", every time I asked.

I am now 24. And as I was sitting outside the other day, watching the sunset, I thought back to this, still amazed he did it. Then, it clicked. He was wearing a watch on his right wrist, which he looked at when he diverted my attention to looking at the sun. I hope to be like him one day...

tl;dr I thought my dad could tell time by looking at the sun. He looked at a watch when I wasn't looking.

A mushroom walking into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind around here." And the mushroom says, "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."

A three legged dog walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Can I get you something?" and the dog says, "No, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind around here." So the string walks outside twists himself into a loop, messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender spots him and says, "Hey! Arn't you the piece of string that just walked in here?" And the string looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

The string says to the bartender, “One beer, please.” The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

The string goes outside, loops itself around a few times, and goes back inside. The bartender asks, “Aren’t you the guy from before?” The piece of string says, “I’m a frayed knot.”