Have you ever seen me tie my shoelaces with my mind?

I thought knot.

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📅︎ Aug 27 2020
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Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?

Thought knot.

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📅︎ Mar 26 2020
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Why did the shoelace have to go to time out?

Because it was knotty.

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👤︎ u/CMoy1980
📅︎ Jan 15 2020
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I didn't tie the knot till I was 38

I am hopeless with shoelaces.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Jan 14 2021
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When it comes to broken shoelaces...

You've got the halves and the have-knots.

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📅︎ Apr 11 2019
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How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

...in little knotsies.

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👤︎ u/women_suck
📅︎ Oct 11 2015
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Why is it, the older I get...

...the further away my shoelaces become ?

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Nov 12 2020
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How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

Into little Nazis.

(helps if you say it in a German accent)

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👤︎ u/dsquard
📅︎ Jun 19 2015
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If all I can think about all day is shoelaces, is that irony?

I like to think knot.

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👤︎ u/Tobophos
📅︎ Jun 14 2015
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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👤︎ u/Rocknocker
📅︎ Jul 30 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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📅︎ Dec 10 2018
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Hiking with my dad while growing up in Texas. Every time.

Tapping on a rock one of us is resting on or using to tie a shoelace, "You know, some people take this stuff for granite."

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ Apr 26 2015
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How do you get around when you have no car?

Do you take your Lamborfeeties, your Chevorlegs, or do you catch the Shoelace Express?

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📅︎ Jun 22 2019
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You know no one ever teaches a shoe lace to tie itself

Yeah I guess you could say they're self taut

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👤︎ u/JiberybobX
📅︎ Dec 21 2017
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My dad's new shoes

I was talking to my dad about how a shoelace on a pair of my shoes just snapped, and he says, "Yeah, I just bought a new pair of shoes from a drug dealer."

"What?"

"Yeah, now I'm tripping."

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📅︎ Mar 22 2017
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My Dad's "book titles"...

I have so, so many...

"The Road Is Shut" by Elaine Closed. "I'm Outta Gas" by Phil McCarup "How To Tie Shoelaces" by Ben Doon "A Cliff Edge" by Eileen Dover "A Book Of Churches" by Cath Headrall "I've Eaten Too Much!" by Buster Gutt "A Book On Soft Cheeses" by Phil Adelphia

And finally, "A Book On Domestic Pets" by Rabi Tuch... (...Rabituch...) (Rabbit hutch)

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👤︎ u/amysplat
📅︎ Oct 04 2013
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So we were playing Scattergories...

My sister said "Tyrone" for a boy's name that starts with T. My dad blurted out "Tyrone shoelaces!"

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👤︎ u/rachi3
📅︎ Dec 22 2013
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