Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
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This is shear perfection. v.redd.it/ojkpxaujts041
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?

It was cutting-hedge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mardrom_Bransle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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My neighbor just showed me his new bush shears...

It's cutting hedge technology!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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How do you advertise a efficient shear ?

"This is cutting hedge technology".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/restlesssheep
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Found on a pair of garden shears... i.reddituploads.com/119ed…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sycho123321
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2016
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We were walking past a salon called Shears

so I pointed and said "Where everybody knows your mane."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelbski-willis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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First time posting here, please be lentil.
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
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Sheep

I saw a sheep in town the other day and the shear brilliance of its fleece caught my eye. I asked it, "what are ewe doing here?" The sheep replied "I'm out on the lamb"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_reeses_feces
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
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What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A Lamborghini.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
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are there any Sheep Puns that could be used to name a Sheep?

Names such as:

Baa-bara

Wool Smith

EWE-NICE

Brittney Shears

John Sebastian Baach

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LUIGIISREAL2017
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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My wife told me to stop stealing her kitchen utensils or else.

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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What an absolute ewenit
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aevaeternity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?

Shear size

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CascadePSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I was gonna give archery a shot

But theres too many drawbacks

Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demarcus-Xavier
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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The thing about the music for the Sheep Waltz...

It has 3 beats to each baa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwrk92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Shearing Sheep

Teacher: "I sheared a sheep once," Student: "Oh, How'd it go?" Teacher: "It went: 'Baa' and it's fleece came off! Student: "Man, that was Ba-aa-d!"

groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIshark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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What do you call a shepard that's always cutting costs?

A sheep-skate.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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People ask why I have a collection of large scissors.

I tell them it is for the shear fun of it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GUNGUNM4N
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Sheep’s name at local fair.
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…

I didn't even know they could knit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
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What do you call a tiger that’s just come from the hair stylist?

Sheared Khan

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Unknowingly Dad joked my mate's dad when I was 8. 14 years later he still brings it up.

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?

Shear luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Getting ripped, bro
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-------2-------
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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I'm unhappy because my neighbor's sheep aren't clipped properly.

I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterAsia6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Where does a sheep go to cut it’s hair?

the ba~ ba~ shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rosey0519
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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Sherlock opens a salon.

Sherlock combs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roiroiroiyourboat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.

With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn't back down. Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears. He then asked me what I wanted to play.

Fed up, I shouted: Rock! Pay per scissors!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rburke319
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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How did early people discover wool?

By shear coincidence

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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How do you end up with 100000 kgs of wool?

With shear determination

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harshal_777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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How bad does my kids want to watch Shaun the Sheep?

Really Ba-a-a-a-a-ad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Efren_John
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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Wanna know how my bald Sheep won the lottery?

It was shear luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sublime50lbc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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All these sheep look the same..

by shear coincidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Bridgeburner
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2016
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Why do barbers ask so many questions?

Shear curiosity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usegao
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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At work

(so this makes sense, I'm a dog groomer, and I was using my 8 inch straight shears).

While using my shears I accidentally cut my finger, when a Co worker asked if I was okay I said:

"Yeah, at least I only cut myself out of shear stupidity"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchXIII
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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Did you hear about that guy who spent his whole life shaving sheep?

They say he died from shear boredom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pink-sundress
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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Did you hear how the farmer got so much wool from his sheep this year?

It was shear luck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctureas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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How did the sheep stop the crook?

Shear wool power.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForgottenSpiral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Dadjoked by a math textbook.

This is just in the middle of a chapter and isn't even acknowledged by the surrounding passages. It's pretty baaad if you ask me. But really, thanks to this picture I will never forget what a shear transformation does.

Textbook is Linear Algebra and Its Applications by David C. Lay, since for some reason I feel like I should probably cite it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tananda7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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How did the sheep cross the road safely?

Shear luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidsteelerose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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What did the sheep say to its friend the llama?

I can shear with you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaMoSo82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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My girlfriend was not amused.

Me: Tears magazine in half.

Her: "How did you do that?"

Me: "'Shear' force."

I stared at her until she gave me a look of disgust and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justrex11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
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Dad joke about beheading

So my boss and I are painting a large room and we tend to talk aimlessly about random stuff when working.

We start talking about what the best way to die would be and the topic comes up about beheading and the different methods throughout the ages.

Me: "Guillotine is kinda cool because your head gets sheared off and your still alive and they hold your head toward the cheering crowds and apparently you can still see them, and even move your eyes.

Him: what about by axe?

me: Beheading by Axe would be painful because not only do you not die right away, but sometimes it takes multiple swings to take your head off. It even gets stuck sometimes.

Him: So the Executioner would be having to pry the Axe back and forth like its stuck in a log?

Me: yeah.

Him: What a pain in the neck.

I heartily bellowed in laughter , guffawed even, and gave him props for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eliottruelove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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