I had a nerve conduction test

They send electricity through your nerves to see the response time. I was shocked to find out I have carpel tunnel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadSavage42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIIXOO
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
My wife says I snore at night so I conducted an experiment

I stayed up all night and I didn't snore once.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdmonster88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Murders being conducted all over this block
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanjirahope
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I conducted a study for Steve Jobs regarding the lack of evolution in his employees.

Those are Apple Bottom Genes.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"

So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Str41nGR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Ho Chi Minh never conduct espionage operations at Christmas?

That's the only time anyone actually looks for Minh's spies.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I got stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.

"What do you know about dwarfs?" She asked.

"Very little." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
META POST: Conducting yourself properly

EDIT: *Metal.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipsSlight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My head hertz while currently trying to conduct a title.
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conditackler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/champion-13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just conducted a phone interview.

Pretty pointless, really. It didn't talk at all.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.

She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.......I said "very little."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanNM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Archaeologists are conducting groundbreaking research.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheElvenKeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you ever heard the story of the train conducter who derailed, no?

Off course you don't.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TruufadeR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
My son and a female classmate of his conducted an experiment involving boiling different elements in hot water. They each stood on one side of the experiment.

Seems like there's some chemistry happening between them.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNotABean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
While discussing Jordan conducting air strikes on ISIS

Dad: Did you hear about how Jordan has been bombing ISIS?

Me: Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Dad: I know... So do you think Jordan's Air Force is called "Air Jordan"?

Me: :-/

Dad: They probably have the Nike logo on their jets.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the Sushi chef refuse to serve the musician?

Cause he was outta tuna.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpdaca
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Disorderly Conduct
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KissTDss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Holed Up βœ‹ Wait a minute
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you learn to conduct a locomotive?

Training.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tesseract-Cat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Off the rails
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintnickfun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords...

I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently. He’s even conducting himself better. I don’t know watt got into him.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work
πŸ‘︎ 533
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of tree conducts electricity?

Circuitry!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papashuga
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
I caught my daughter chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground her.

She's doing better currently, and now conducting herself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer arrest the cow for?

Disudderly conduct.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrlonelywolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Watching a show about a man who conducts massive amounts of electricity and my dad says this

"He ought to get a job in an orchestra, he conducts so well"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdkra
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
3am thought: if a weighbridge somehow got stolen...

... would the police conduct a large scale search?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be an electrician...

...but the working conditions were shocking

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I have big dreams about doing electrical work around the house, but my wife is the sensible one

She keeps me grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss said β€œYou’re the worst fucking train driver ever,”

β€œHow many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied β€œIt’s hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linalg2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing electrical chords, so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geek_fest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my kid chewing on the electrical cords

So I had to ground him He’s doing better currently And conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Yeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and he’s conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaintingViking
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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