I conducted a study for Steve Jobs regarding the lack of evolution in his employees.

Those are Apple Bottom Genes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Murders being conducted all over this block
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanjirahope
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"

So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Str41nGR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Why did Ho Chi Minh never conduct espionage operations at Christmas?

That's the only time anyone actually looks for Minh's spies.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I got stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.

"What do you know about dwarfs?" She asked.

"Very little." I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
META POST: Conducting yourself properly

EDIT: *Metal.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipsSlight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My head hertz while currently trying to conduct a title.
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conditackler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Why did the Sushi chef refuse to serve the musician?

Cause he was outta tuna.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpdaca
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just conducted a phone interview.

Pretty pointless, really. It didn't talk at all.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Holed Up βœ‹ Wait a minute
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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My son kept chewing on electrical cords...

I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently. He’s even conducting himself better. I don’t know watt got into him.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.

She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.......I said "very little."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanNM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Have you ever heard the story of the train conducter who derailed, no?

Off course you don't.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TruufadeR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Archaeologists are conducting groundbreaking research.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheElvenKeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My son and a female classmate of his conducted an experiment involving boiling different elements in hot water. They each stood on one side of the experiment.

Seems like there's some chemistry happening between them.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNotABean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I caught my daughter chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground her.

She's doing better currently, and now conducting herself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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What did the police officer arrest the cow for?

Disudderly conduct.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrlonelywolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Disorderly Conduct
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KissTDss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
🚨︎ report
While discussing Jordan conducting air strikes on ISIS

Dad: Did you hear about how Jordan has been bombing ISIS?

Me: Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Dad: I know... So do you think Jordan's Air Force is called "Air Jordan"?

Me: :-/

Dad: They probably have the Nike logo on their jets.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Off the rails
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintnickfun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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What do you call it when you learn to conduct a locomotive?

Training.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tesseract-Cat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work
πŸ‘︎ 539
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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3am thought: if a weighbridge somehow got stolen...

... would the police conduct a large scale search?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What kind of tree conducts electricity?

Circuitry!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papashuga
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I have big dreams about doing electrical work around the house, but my wife is the sensible one

She keeps me grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be an electrician...

...but the working conditions were shocking

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Watching a show about a man who conducts massive amounts of electricity and my dad says this

"He ought to get a job in an orchestra, he conducts so well"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdkra
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said β€œYou’re the worst fucking train driver ever,”

β€œHow many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied β€œIt’s hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linalg2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My drum major was struck by lightning

She was very good at conducting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luigigamer74002
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician say when he found out the plug was broken?

I must conduct an investigation

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panagiotis1357
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy at a bar asked "are you using all these stools?"

I asked, "What? Are you conducting a stool sample?"

He walked away, no words.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePetPsychic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call the director of the band ACDC?

A conducter of electricity.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckyC4t
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Random facts lead to Dad jokes.

I told my brothers friends that men and ants were the only species who can conduct war.

One of them asked "Who made the study to find that out?"

And from behind comes "An Ant-thropologist"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommissarCallahan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report
I love those musical Tesla coils

They're great at conducting electricity

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoftCriticTy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geek_fest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/champion-13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my kid chewing on the electrical cords

So I had to ground him He’s doing better currently And conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Yeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and he’s conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaintingViking
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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