So he gave it to her.
Gay. Very gay
The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."
No need to remind her every half hour.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Now she's a small medium at large.
Nothing, cause she can't Seattle.
I can't wait to meter.
Wait, wrong sub.
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
“Cardamom”
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
I told her not to worry - it was clearly just a platoonic relationship.
She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."
The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"
The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.
I’m gonna be witch.
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
She seamstressed.
He replied “Yes, the others were all nines or tens”.
Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: “she was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say “There’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
Since she is expecting
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Of course, she has to date him first.
(courtesy of my daughter) #proudfathermomemt
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
The Medium started a seance and said, in a sing-song voice, "John, if you are with us, please say something".
The Ouija board immediately started spelling out: S-O-M-E-T-H-...
Wife: THAT'S HIM!!!
Well, he's a mailman so things are going to be rough
I had never met herbivore
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
He's a gay , definitely a gay
