I remember the last words my grandfather ever said to me. He said β€˜You selfish boy!’

Not long after that, I became a fishmonger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAsia97
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she was leaving me because, β€œI can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.” Selfish woman...

...it took me hours to mop that carpet.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
People named Fred should really stop beeing selfish at their jobs. Just give fred an "I" and he might get fired...
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ek7a
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Jungle was filled with diverse but selfish animals.

it was a vibrant egosystem.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mansheep_
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the sun selfish

Because he said the world revolves around him

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKindleys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are succulents less selfish when in teams?

Because it's Cactus not cacti

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Nemo isn't selfish! He's just trying to find himself. Come on :D
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
You guys heard about those selfish kids having sex in the sewers?

Fucking ingrates.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoRUGurl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know why vampires are so selfish?

No self-reflection

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mech528
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a selfish bomb?

Mine

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bible_Bitchboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Maine is pretty selfish

it's all ME, ME, ME.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whyisthissoharder
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My coworker called me selfish for reheating salmon in the microwave.

"But it's not shellfish!", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarWarswasmeh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are urologists selfish?

Because they're all about number one.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a selfish xylophone?

An I-lophone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djcatoose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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What does a selfish stool need to learn?

He must chair.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xx_das_shame_xx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you clean your hands at the North Pole?

You use hand Santa-tizer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spiffypack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a greedy lobster?

Shellfish

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you call a Sea creature that only cares about himself?

A Selfish

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BananoGamer9000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fish that is in prison?

Selfish

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abnsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Hobby club couldn’t agree on this week’s craft.

Some selfishly thought minecraft was better than yarncraft.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.

I have selfish steam issues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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#Peamoriginal

That big boob girl is so selfish. Hooters she think she is?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/figgerer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Santa Claus probably has...

sELFish desires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agentgames25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a greedy ocean dweller?

A selfish.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obamazombiez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Why can't you ever trust fishermen?

Cause they all selfish

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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Why wouldn’t the steam engine run?

It was having selfish steam issues.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mommarun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t Santa’s little helper share?

He was too sELFish

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-umop-apisdn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Why are fishmongers hard to live with?

They selfish.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockplops
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Somewhere there's a comedian doing a stand-up routine entirely about his own life and it's called his....

Selfish Schtick.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joecalderone
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes in Spanish

We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and when we got our fortune cookies my mom asked for the translation of "selfish". My dad responded with "El mismo pescado." (Note: selfish --> self-fish --> mismo pescado)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaaraitosu_gringo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Grocery shopping, spring loaded

So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:

"Well, now you know how thyme flies."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaychuck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Thought of this while Skyrimming

Man, that's such a selfish profession.

Boyfriend: What is?

Mining.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/internettiquette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Just finished watching the dark knight rises

So we finished watching the dark knight rises and my friend says "cat woman was pretty selfish in that movie, at least she came back to help in the end" and my other friend replied "She really Bale'd out of of that movie about Hathaway through"

Got to admit I thought it was pretty damn clever

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nesbarnes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fish that only care about himself?

Selfish.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilllllister
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a greedy fish?

Selfish

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediRush78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call a greedy businessfish?

Selfish

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
🚨︎ report

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