People say puns are just bad dad jokes.
I don't think that could be father from the truth.
My friend likes to tell dad jokes.
Some of his puns get so bad, he keeps a piece of paper in his wallet that says "puns" on it. When someone says his puns are terrible, he takes it out and rips it in half saying "no, THESE puns are tear-able."
He will make a great dad.
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
All my hispanic friends love it when I say “mucho.”
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
What does the electrician say when he meditates?
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his kid off at school?
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, damn it! Breathe!
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
What did the boiling water say to the chef?
When I am gone, I will be mist!
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...
It hurts me to say this....
But, I have a sore throat.
What do search engines say when they're happy ?
One hat says to the other,
"You wait here, I’ll go on a head."
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What does a subatomic duck say?
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
What did the German bread say at breakfast?
What did the German soldier say to the French soldier at the end of WWI?
What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?
This ain't my first rodeo.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
People say I plagiarized my jokes
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
What does a subatomic duck say?
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