"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs."
But they wouldn't take me seriously
Their leader said, "like we need YOUR support."
Did you hear about the two thiefs who stole a calendar.
They each got six months.
"So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year?"
"No, we both have off."
"Did you hear they're changing it next year?"
"What?"
"Yeah, they're moving it to April."
Looks of confusion
"At least that's what my doctor said."
The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs!
..... Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be "MY doctor." I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes.
"Ugh my right eye is blurry"
"No, honey, I can see it just fine"
You’re hitting rock bottom
My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"
He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.
Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this
you'll have a sarcasm
27, single, childless With a group of friends about to ride a rollercoaster. I notice that the ride attendants name tag says "DeJa"... and I can feel the dad within me take over.
The ride was fun, we were in the first row... DeJa cheerily welcomes us back into the station, and I, without control of myself, exclaim "OMG it's DeJa, again!" Pause 1 second Entire cart groans in unison.
She convincingly said she had "never heard that one before", but it might have just been expert-level sarcasm.
So I'm varnishing a sailboat tiller at work and I just put the second coat on it. I went to my boss and I was like I just put a second coat on the tiller. He looks at me straight faced with no sarcasm in his voice and was like "why was it cold" then just walks off.
When I was about 5/6 I was filling out one of those "FunFax" books (Image for reference).
I started filling out the page about me and I got to the section on allergies. Unaware that I had any, I asked my dad "Do I have any allergies?"
My Dad replied "Yeah, soap"
Obviously at the age of 5/6 I didn't realise he was joking, we found the book a few years later to find I actually wrote "Soap" down.
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."
I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like.
We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says "Don't put too much paint on because it will run."
Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) "How can it run if it doesn't have legs?"
My SO was about to eat dinner to which I asked her, "What're you gonna have?"
She responded with, "Dirty rice and some beef."
To which I couldn't help myself, "Eww, that's disgusting."
Her: "Oh yeah, I forgot you don't like rice."
Me: "It's not that I don't like rice so much as you should clean it first."
Didn't go over well.... Status: I'm single now.
EDIT: Didn't actually dump me. It was sarcasm, but, you know, text.....
My mom, brother, dad and I were making the food for the dinner. When one of my nephews says "I'm hungry!" My dad and I both had a twinkle in our eyes, so I turn around, and with the most amount of sarcasm I could muster, I said: "Hi hungry, I'm jesusdo." My wife heard me in the living room, and said "oh leave the poor creature alone." My nephew said "I'm serious!" Then my dad said "but I thought that you were hungry a second ago."
Edit: added my dad's response.
My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....
"Figured Id give 'em a shot"
Now let that sink in like I had too!
Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!
I work as a special education teacher. I'll admit to not being a dad, but I hope I'm well on my way.
Aide: "I'm so excited (note sarcasm). I get to visit my in-laws in Missouri over winter break."
Teacherdad: I hear there are a lot of people visiting Missouri these days.
Student: "Why?"
Teacherdad: ...Missouri loves company.
