I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...

I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
You can say plain sailing, but you can't say boat flying.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMDRShamx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I've started a boat building business in my attic...

...sails are going through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/xholdsteadyx
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
No more Suez Canal jokes!

That ship has sailed.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Ropes were invented by boat companies to raise sails
πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeaboy123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_PoodlePants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
If Al Pacino owned & sailed his own boat, he would be...

Cap Pacino

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife got so teary-eyed you can probably sail a boat in her eyelids

Quite the crises

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just turn it over and it's capsized

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/TehSniper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When do you buy a ship?

When it's on sale.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ‘€︎ u/launchedcar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I found a bunch of old jokes I made if you want to read them.

What do you call a boat that can sell you something. A sails man. My friend asked for something to write with, I said β€œpen or pencil”. He said it depens. I went to a fan contest. The winner blew away the competition. My friend got married to a torch. You could say she was the light of his life. After going through these jokes I now hate myself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/gutted-melon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim β€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by my 7-year-old son

While sailing in the Caribbean this week, were were deep into a discussion about true wind and apparent wind.

True wind is the vector (speed and direction) that the wind is actually blowing. Apparent wind is the resultant vector of adding true wind and the velocity of the boat.

>So what is the kid wind?

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoccoRacer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
🚨︎ report
The conversation that almost got me kicked off the boat

I was on a very nice boat party with my friend, his father and a group of their high class friends. We were in lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, and one of the elitist sailors was trying to determine if I was seaworthy and see if I even knew where I was.

I said "Sure thing", started pointing left "over there is the port of New Orleans", now pointing to the right "and over here is the starboard of New Orleans".

My friend's dad heard the joke, and while laughing a bit he told me "One more bad joke and I'm kicking you off". To which I replied, "You're right, I should have let the opportunity sail away."

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/SendMeASmile
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
🚨︎ report
On a boat

I am visiting my parents, and today my dad and I went out sailing on the lake. We put the boat in, and then needed to tie it off to the dock while getting situated. My dad handed me a big tangled mess of rope, and suggested I untangle it and moor the boat with it. It was more tangled than any headphones I've seen. After a few moments I exclaimed in frustration, "who the hell put this rope away last?"
My dad quickly retorted, "I'm not sure, but they were certainly knoty."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/brendanvista
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Whale watching...

So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...

Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad

edit: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.