A doctor is reviewing test results with his patient...
Doctor: I'm afraid you've tested positive for herpes.
Patient: I knew that one of these days I'd end up with a fungal infection.
Doctor: Actually, it's viral.
Patient: Yeah, but I got it from a fun gal.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
I think tech YouTubers should be reviewing new shovels when new ones come out.
The technology in those things are ground breaking.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
Two scholars were peer reviewing papers about the ocean...
One turned to the other and said "There's no information about whales here."
The other responded "Ok, we'll have to make a note, 'cetacean needed.'"
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π
︎ Mar 31 2019
Angela Merkel is at passport control at a Greek airport. When reviewing her passport, the officer asks-βoccupation?β
She replies- βNien! This time, ve are only here for za day!β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 15 2019
My brother was reviewing what he learned in geometry
Brother: "the area of a circle? PiR^2"
Dad: "But I thought Pi r round"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 25 2015
The other day in math we were reviewing on how to clear logarithms
When my instructor said "I usually like to teach my students how to drop logs... but that gets kind of messy."
class chuckles
He then continues "Oh I'm sorry, that was a crappy joke."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 03 2014
Why havenβt aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Did you hear about Orion's belt?
It was such a big waist of space.
Sorry.. I know terrible joke. You can leave a 3 star review.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Roses are dead, Violets are dead...
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Book review: 1 star
I've just finished reading Great Expectations and I have to say I was a little disappointed.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews
Apparently it was a real hatchet job
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
I was asked if I wanted to review my new drop saw.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Bonnie Tyler's new range of biscuits have received good reviews
They're good dunkers, but every now and then they fall apart
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
"Do you know what?"
My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...
"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."
"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."
"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"
"The tattoo guy?"
"Biblically."
"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."
"He was the best man at my wedding."
"I think I owe him $20."
"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"
"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"
"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
"We're here to offer support, not to grill you," they said at my review meeting.
"Like a bra, not a braai"
-
Based on true events. I had to stop myself from blurting that out.
-
Thanks to u/rumbustiousben for reminding me that not everyone knows what a braai is - it's a barbecue in Afrikaans and commonly used as part of English by South Africans
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.
It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Orions belt does not have the best reviews in the universe...
...cause it only has a three star rating!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
So I just got back from watching the new Christopher Nolan movie. Here's my short review..
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
Informative product review
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Aug 15 2018
Thereβs a new Apple service for leaving angry reviews.
π︎ 324
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
My gun and vacuum store doesnβt get really good reviews.
It seems to Suck and Blow.
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 04 2020
My dad lost his job at the sausage factory today. They told him at his performance review...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"
They were just fission for compliments.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
i was reading Yelp reviews of local mortuaries
found one that was rated cad-average.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,
My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review."
I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Reviewers werenβt very kind to the new Surface Pro X.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I was reading a book on Helium
π︎ 49
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︎ Jul 19 2020
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
I've been in the market for a new whiteboard, but I don't think I can trust the online reviews.
They all say the product is remarkable.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
Tech reviewers are just waiting for Samsung to release a mediocre new Note device just to say "It's not noteworthy"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 08 2019
I have a medical journal joke
But itβs still under review
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
My review for a hotel run by pigs:
Great hogspitality; 5 stars
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
My favourite film reviewer is John Williams.
He just loves to score movies
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
An accountant was under review at his firm
He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.
He was fired for gross misrepresentation.
π︎ 178
π
︎ Aug 17 2018
after the dam failed, the engineer thought he'd lost his job for sure
but at the performance review he was consoled by his boss, "it's all just water under the bridge"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Have you heard about the new movie, "Constipation"?
It's not coming out any time soon but early critics are giving it shit reviews.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Just went to a restaraunt on the moon
Wouldn't go again no atmosphere
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn't believe in science.
π︎ 461
π
︎ Nov 28 2019
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews, but we only had one star
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star
π︎ 102
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
Why havenβt aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews first...... only 1 star
π︎ 57
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
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