Locksmith friend of mine just retired, said he never once got rained out.

It seems that all of his work was in doors.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaynePrndl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a retired actor’s knife?

An X-Actor knife

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vishnj
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What did they start calling Postman Pat once he retired?

Pat.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosh83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I know lots of jokes about retiring

But none of them work

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comsicwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I visited my retired parents the other day. They said they wanted some change in their lives.

I gave them two quarters, three nickels and a penny.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringdirt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say when he retired?

iiiim eighty!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

πŸ‘︎ 274
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was getting close to retiring and offered my compost business to my son.

He replied, β€œI refuse to work with compost! It’s so degrading!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoccerRN
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the crab have to delay retirement?

No pinchin'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SethKadoodles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a lot of jokes about retired people..

but none of them work!!!

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/balkso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Jessie Owens say when he retired?

β€œI had a good run”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What would the terminator be called after his retirement?

The Exterminator

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Which country did Usain Bolt move to after his retirement?

Iran.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t drummers come out of retirement?

Too many repercussions

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear Christopher Cross retired as a musician to make time for his new business venture?

Chris Cross Applesauce

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when Sting retired?

He changed his name to Stung.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost most of my retirement to that guy from Happy Days.

It was a real Fonzi scheme.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entree_The_Giant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If a drummer comes out of retirement...

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I've know alot of jokes about retired people...

But they never worked

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyotoKyoto2525
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When should an astronaut retire?

When they start spacing out

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjatin2007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a bunch of jokes about retired people but people don’t laugh

No matter how funny I try and make them , they just don’t work

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giceman715
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What are terminators called when they retire?

Exterminators

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the archivist retire?

He had back issues.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the retired doctor get easily upset?

Because he has no patients.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryden22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Fidelity just announced a retirement plan for Rock β€˜n Rollers

It’s called the David Lee Roth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demaionewton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",

Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic187187
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
At my coworker's retirement party, I got up and said, "micro".

It meant very little to my retiring coworker.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
After years in retirement, I lost all feeling in my fingers

you could say I am out of touch

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ana_tommy16
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a retired boxer who loves to play video games?

Xbox-er

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chenzi1
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad has always been a Fabrication head at a lift company and my mum is a retired nurse..

According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PILEoSHEET
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the retired Sheriff who started a landscaping business?

He called it Lawn Order

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piratesox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the terminator kill people even after retirement?

He was an ex-terminator

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vdtxdtc_chf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.

We looked in every nook and granny!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
After I bought my dad his retirement condo, I asked him, β€œWhat do you want to do with it?”

He said, β€œI just...want to live in the present.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle was a math teacher.

When he retired, he bought a boat and named it Aftermath.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teacher, who retired?

A Taughter.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DachiTS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the investment broker that retired to run a celery farm?

It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.

They couldn't find another man of his caliber.

πŸ‘︎ 881
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πŸ‘€︎ u/totuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I know a few jokes about retired people.....

But none of them work!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The exterminator.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksol88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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