Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner

It’s 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brutalproduct
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?

"Tanks a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Missburr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Man: I’m so sorry I’m late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?

Boss: You mist the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Well calculated response
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..

.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.

Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

πŸ‘︎ 805
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CameronC7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Take responsibility for your actions.
πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyserSoze94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible

The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, β€œI am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saturnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquireX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:

I'd rather dye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/delo357
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:

"It's not a poplar tree contest."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.

I told him "I'm generally managing"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Elephant response

My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/macmanfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:

You’ll see. You’ll all see.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said β€œI’m good.”

I said β€œAt what?”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blkfx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The response time was very slow
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixofRevenge
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.

Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brock_Walker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pcwils1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it β€œResponsibly.”

Advertising slogan will be a doddle: β€œPlease drink Responsibly.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 271
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost missed my cake day!

That would have been real crumby.

Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SufficientNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a bath tub and an alligator?

(Dad waits for the common response: "I don't know, what?")

Then I'd advice you to never take a bath.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twozon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.

You can see it in their fright of light response.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It's cloudy all over just now.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Pizza Cheese

My friend just told me that pizza restaurants’ mozzarella is actually blended with provolone to make it more affordable and my only response was

β€œThey cut the cheese?!”

And I’ve been laughing hysterically at my own joke for 10 minutes

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papermoonfortune
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skhenson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm proud of this one. My response to my mom's Facebook post. imgur.com/epX4rcj
πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the yoga instructor say in response to the eviction notice?

NamastΓ©

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
No response yet
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elsholz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The purrfect response
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Best-cabbage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My last job was at the Scrabble factory.

I was responsible for making the T.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Hope this one doesn’t blow up on me.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lococlyde
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to all the negativity on Reddit, Here is a positive post.
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erisian_Neko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.

To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katskratched
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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