Because he Gavin!
Friend texts me: Can you leave a key fir me under the mat? Me: Maple I will, Maple I won’t. Friend: ? Me: Pine, I’ll leave a key Friend: oh, my typo, haha Me: I’ve got a bunch more Buckeye will wait til later to tell you.
I guess that makes me an ohm wrecker
Or is it just me...
She just loves playing Koi.
Cuz da Vinci had framed her
Gf: Will you call my phone? Me: Solid eye contact "...PHOOOOONE?"
Wife: "I don't really like cheese."
Me: "I know. You never laugh at any of my jokes."
Wife: ...
They've been on shelves for quite a while now, you probably just never never noticed.
They're hard to spot.
https://i.imgur.com/4n0OCTf.jpg
While reaching for the phone near the beginning of the meeting, my supervisor bumped his coffee cup and coffee sloshed over onto the desk and some papers. He laughed a little and just said something about it being a waste of good coffee.
My dadjoke instincts kicked in, and I agreed by saying, "A grind is a terrible thing to waste." I am proud to say it was well received.
http://imgur.com/a/d9f8Y
Boss: (to the co-worker) So... how did it go down? Me: On one knee...?
If you are wondering she said yes!
I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood.
He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES before saying:
"I'm glad the management is making sure nothing FISHY is going on!"
Ordered a bagel with a slice of cheese... he brought the bagel to me cut into quarters...
I only had one response... "You cut the cheese..." He and his countermate just stared at me in disbelief....and then figured it out.
He then told me to take a cookie as it made them laugh...
Friend: My dry cleaner turned out to be a front for drug dealers.
Me: I thought you were supposed to launder money, not dry clean it.
http://imgur.com/DspBxfM "I don't want to kale the mood, but sadly, my tomatoes didn't ketchup to yours. I think they bean squashed. Lettuce cue cumbersome thoughts so we can build courgettes! Bury them so they carrot in the ground: tuber or not to be, that is the question!"
My buddy and I were in his kitchen and he was looking through a guide to edible fungi in the wild. I said Jared, "did you know our friend Justen is an expert on that subject?" Jared says, "no I didn't know that. How'd he get to be like that?" I replied, "because he's a fun guy."
I was at a shoprite with my dad visiting my brother, and he grabs two whisks off the shelf, holds them against his face, and starts saying "excuse me sir, where are your shaving supplies? I have a few whiskers on my face!"
Oh, dad...
great uncle: you know what they use pig skins for?
silence...
great uncle: oh c'mon, dyou know what they use pig skins for? (looking around the room at this point)
my dad: making footballs?
great uncle: no! holding pigs together! (Proceeds to laugh hysterically)
I work with a dog rescue-- and today we had a phone interview with Modern Dog Magazine.
Our President's father couldn't resist.
