The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued he asked: β€˜Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?’ β€œβ€™No your Highness,’ he replied, β€˜but my father was.’”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeathwaiter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Gru and Putin resemble each other and both are despicable but how are they different?

One is aimed at children and the other aims at children.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2022
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What do you call a 12-sided platonic solid that loosely resembles an extinct flightless bird?

A dododecahedron

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikerowave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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The resemblence of corn on the cob and tinned corn is uncanny.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OgreMonk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
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What sort of musical instrument resembles a bad hotel?

A vile-inn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garyfire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2021
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What is the resemblance between canon and cannon?

They both destroy ships

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tadashi4
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Interviewer: Can you explain these gaps in your resume?

Me: I believe those were caused by the space bar

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommonMan01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I broke up with my girlfriend because she is obsessed with North American aquatic birds that resemble large ducks when swimming...

She's too loony!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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When I was younger, people said I bore a strong resemblance to Nikola Tesla.

I would simply respond, β€œshocking isn’t it.”

Now that I’m older, I look more like Albert Einstein, relatively speaking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TxRam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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What fruit resembles people who can’t marry?

Cantaloupe.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gummeeboi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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Ted's wife was a horrible cook. She served mashed potatoes that were so runny, that his whole plate resembled soup. Even though she insisted that she drained the pasta, her spaghetti was so watery that the sauce ran off the plate. Ted had no choice...

...he was forced to take out a restraining order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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How do you describe a Jewish man who makes his own beer ?

He brews

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggogg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
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What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?

A diplognat!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spokandyland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
There was an invention of ear jewellery that resembled the number 3.14...

It was pioneering.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noradosmith
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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If a kid looks like their mom or dad, their resemblance is a parent.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudeWuTangShogun
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?

They’re both red except for the green one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotalBuilder45
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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I had a Coca-Cola in a glass for a change, and it tasted exactly the same...

The resemblance was uncanny!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
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Yes we do
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rattatamj
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I have OCD

Truthfully I just have a CD, but it resembles an O so much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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You’ve really gotta hand it to short people,

Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 516
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420_esketit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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At what time of day do Germans disagree?

Nein! (for this to be effective, say this quite loudly in a German accent.)

My dad loves this one, he always laughs the loudest at his own joke.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmpmpl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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What is the difference of a dog and a can of baked beans?

Well you see, the resemblance is un-canny.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Backthrasher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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It’s amazing how most jars look alike...

The resemblance is uncanny

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of blood does a author have?

Type-O

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roecaro1HD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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A group of German geologists recently made an interesting discovery within a mountain range of northern Italy

The team unearthed a layer of rock tessellations resembling a violin as viewed from behind.

As of yet they have no name for this strata variance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raidenisme
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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What do you call a fish with two eyes?

Fishi

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinosaurking88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
You're so vane

you probably think you can indicate wind direction

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Two domestic abusers, very similar features...

A striking resemblance.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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Let's all take time to remember a classic.

Whenever someone would say something bad (but true)about Dad, and he would respond with an insulted tone "Hey! I represent that!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willziac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
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Juice joke

Long ago there was an ancient alien civilization called the Capri. The Capri weren’t humanoid creatures in fact they most resembled a juice pouch. Their planet was under attack and so out of desperation two Capri sent their alien child to earth. After a long ride the baby landed on earth. The Capri was soon found be two loving parents and was raised like a regular child. After his first day at school he came home and said to his dad β€œDad, why am I not like the other kids”. The dad looked at him and said β€œbecause you’re a Capri, son”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TropicalWin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Every single time.

Waitress- "We have a special today on chicken fingers." (dad looks at us and smiles) Dad- I've never seen a chicken with fingers. BA HA HA HA

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjangoSucka
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Rover finds life on Mars!

The new rover Curiosity discovered life on Mars tonight. A small group of creatures resembling cats was discovered unfortunately, the rover came down directly on top of the colony killing them. Even millions of miles away, Curiosity kills the cats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FromageOmage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2012
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my date last night

Went ice skating, she was wearing gloves that were meant to resemble Koala bears. I told her they wouldn't let her in if she was wearing them. She looked at me, bewildered.. so I informed her that her gloves didn't meet the koalifications.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clutchmasterflex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Soo... My 7 yr. old daughter dropped this one on me... I think I'll keep her.

We're watching the live action 101 Dalmatian movie. It's the scene where Cruella falls through the floor and lands in what looks like a bunch of poop, chasing after one of the puppies.

My daughter asks me,"What is that stuff she fell into supposed to be?". I replied,"Pretty sure it's supposed to resemble poop." She goes,"So I guess that puppy set a poopy trap."

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyReddits
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Medical emergencies can be funny, too.

Had a seizure. Epilepsy sucks. I woke up, then this happened.

Dad: "Ah, you're awake. Did you see God?"

I couldn't quite see yet, but I knew he was waiting to say something clever. So I tried to turn it around before I passed out again.

Me: "I don't know. I might have. If I did, he bears a striking resemblance to the carpet."

Dad: "Let us thank the Floored that you didn't hurt yourself."

My stepmother said he made several more while I was out in the ER and in the ambulance.

Goddammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report

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