cause I miss U
There was a lot to unpack.
A stick.
He said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket."
Father: It's probably not a good idea to keep the baby up that late....
Soon I’ll be one of the bigwigs.
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
Because it was CHARGED with BATTERY.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
Or Josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
"Neil before me."
But I can stop at any time
You put a little boogie in it
Fast Ten: your seatbelts.
But so is my short term memory.
The robber approached the first man. "Did you see me rob the bank?" The first man says "Yes". BANG, the robber shoots the first man dead.
The robber approaches the second man. "Did you see me rob this bank?" The second man says "Yes" BANG, the robber shoots the second man dead.
The robber approaches the third man. "Did you see me rob this bank?" The third man says "No, but my mother-in-law did"
(As told by my dad)
Who'd have thought that woodwork?
Not happy.
I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!
My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.
My vows were:
"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.
Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.
I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons
I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.
I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."
It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!
Amburgers and Woot Beer!
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
It’s an ancient rule with many inconsistencies.
The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"
"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."
"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"
"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."
"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"
"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."
Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a Buck.
Sir Cumference.
I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it? I said yes, pump #6.
... because of the short arms
He’s scared sheetless.
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
It Hertz
I'll start with my own (I think it kinda suck tho, definitely need some better ones):
Do you know why we smell worse as we grow up?
Because we are getting odor.
..then in comes Batman!
Or is it just pigments of their imagination?
He wanted to show her off, so he invited his friend over. They were playing with the puppy for a while, having a good time.
His friend asked, "What's her name?"
The man was drawing a blank. He couldn't remember his puppies name if his life depended on it.
"What's that flower called? The one that's real pretty and has thorns all over it?" He asked his friend.
"A rose?"
"Yeah, that's it." The man looked over at his wife and asked, "Hey Rose, what's the name of our puppy?"
I personally find them pretty mediogre.
As a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.
Like, "Who's blood is this?", "How did you get it?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"
