My Dad just sent me this
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroracerUK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Deuncle is very funny
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaRomea
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Sounds about right
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentherhino19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Credits to u/plat_playya
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sixDwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Greetings...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anikkundu1998
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2021
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Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.

EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trich101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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What did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Easy come, Easy go!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batpool0430
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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Ah yes, computer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamelnish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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How dare they make someone else clean that up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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Duck and Cover!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffbrownnoho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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A watt?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatLogiCat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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First post here, forgive me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vulgar_Anecdotes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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Which one of King Arthur's knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Complainingg-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
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Figs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/birofunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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I can't think of a title, let me sleep on it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vallisneria_A
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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PokΓ©mon Go!
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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN!!! Too many questions.

Like, "Who's blood is this?", "How did you get it?"

"Why is it in a bucket?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoMoreDays
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKhakiNerfHerder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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After watching me read β€œWar and Peace”, my son asked me, β€œDad, why is the book so thick?”

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohmyganja
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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In Texas it's illegal to serve pie without ice cream.

As a matter of Texan pride; remember the Γ  la mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hydrosimian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
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It is OK to be Frank with people

Or Josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ant_Diamond64
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2021
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karennnn...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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How Buzz Aldrin introduces himself: "Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man on the moon."

"Neil before me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2021
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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I matched with a chicken on tinder today
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saltythebaker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reg182
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.

Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bartl74
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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Dad: Hey son did you know that there was a kidnapping at a school today?

Son: What happened

Father: The teacher woke him up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/belovedsalty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
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After my breastfeeding class, my husband spouted off this gem.

Me: "I need to call your insurance about breast pumps... see what they cover."

Husband: "Probably the boob."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnshaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Pasta la vista good chef
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πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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It's okay if your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck."

You're still using fowl language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezusManForReal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work

She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eamonn_russell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Mother: I'm exhausted! I was up until 4 am with the baby...

Father: It's probably not a good idea to keep the baby up that late....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rayryeng
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
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As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Did you know that T-Shirt is actually an abbreviated version of Tyrannosaurus Shirt...

... because of the short arms

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
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My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

Life before that was a blur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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I just dad joked my accounting professor and made her cry from laughing.

Someone asked about extra credit.

Professor: "I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class"

Me: "yeah but do you give extra debit?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAugustusCaesar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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To the guy who invented zero:

Thanks for nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casd82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
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β€œHey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

β€œNo son, have you seen my dadglasses?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BananaDargon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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On the way to work today I was attacked by six dwarves.

Not happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfy9001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
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