Relationship Counseling Puns

Many people are too petty, manipulative, and/or stubborn to handle the counseling process. Some use counseling to change their partner to their preferences or hire an “ally” to prove/confirm they are right. Resentment and barriers build, and sooner rather than later, the relationship will fail.

Hello, I am Liz Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT and founder of a couples health startup , founder of a therapy practice in Philadelphia, and author of I Want This To Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating The Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face In The Modern Age. I’ve been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over a decade, studied at Temple University,  Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia, with The Council for Relationships, and The Gottman Institute.

Working with the /r/Marriage Moderators, I’ve agreed to answer questions about the marriage counseling process to help you understand how it works and to make you a better informed client should you and your spouse decide to go to counseling. Please post questions as replies and I will come back to provide answers on November 4th!

Let's set some ground rules first:
I cannot and will not answer questions around specific issues in your own marriage.

I also cannot speak to experiences you might have had with another counselor. I can speak to expectations and best practices for counselors.

Post your questions to me as top level comments to this post so that I can find them.

Statements or opinion comments will be removed. Let's save that for another thread.

Similarly, the mods will remove non-contributing ("fluff") responses.

Astroturfing, or the practice of planting questions for a particular purpose will likewise be removed.

The Reddit rules always apply: abuse or harassment will be removed and can lead to being banned from this sub.

So let's get going! What can I tell you about relationship counseling overall and how to get the best experience? What are you afraid of? What are you excited about? Let’s talk :) Please post questions as replies and I will come back to provide answers on November 4th

https://preview.redd.it/6moj54jz8ww71.jpg?width=2316&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d8caae94c591cce0cdc9c6738f7a4a5a5d7ed8a

My partner and I have young children and are in need of some counseling or therapy, ideally with somebody who is familiar with the dynamic of young parents navigating their way through. The biggest issues reveal themselves in our (almost non-existent) sex life, so suggestions for somebody who's good in that area would be great, too!

Thanks a lot.

My fiancée and I have had a long-standing agreement that we want to do couples counseling before we get married, and now that we are engaged, we are getting a little frustrated looking around. I would like to do this in person, but our area has very limited options and the waiting lists are very long, let alone trying to find a therapist who would be affirming and able to handle the range of what we’re looking for.

I’m strongly opposed to BetterHelp, Regain, and similar types of online-based “app” therapy, but does anyone have recommendations for distanced or video call couples therapists, or even self-guided courses or books that were helpful for you? We are looking for sort of a secular “premarital counseling” process, but we are also really looking for someone that would be comfortable with sex therapy, or even a separate sex therapist/course/book/whatever.

Really appreciate anyone that can help, sometimes being a lesbian feels like being a rare fish or something that only has 3 specialists in the world.

Hi guys! I read a fic a while back and somehow forgot to bookmark it, and now I’m struggling to find it. I’m 99% sure it was on A03, and it was a fake marriage fic.

I don’t remember everything, but Dean and Cas were working a case and they had to pretend to be going to divorce counseling. I think the counselor was supposed to help them figure out how to divide up their assets. I remember Jack was there too and they were supposed to decide who got custody of him, and he said he would go with Castiel because Castiel would need him more.

Also I remember at the beginning of the fic Cas tried to claim the impala and Dean got pissed off and they got in an argument about it. Later I’m pretty sure the counselor advised them not to get a divorce because they clearly loved each other, and I think at the end they revealed they weren’t dating and the counselor said that they would have had no idea.

I THINK that the monster turned out to be the counselor’s deceased child’s ghost who was trying to force couples to reconcile but I’m not sure about that part. Also pretty sure there was a scene where Dean showed the counselor a picture of the impala which was his phone lock screen and the picture had Cas in it so the counselor was like “isn’t it weird that your ex is still your phone wallpaper?”

Would really appreciate if anyone knows of the fic to let me know the title/drop the link! I really liked this fic and I’m kicking myself for not saving it!

And had the tables turned on you like you were the abusive one?

I’m genuinely curious if anyone else has felt their marriage counselors have failed them…and how did it make you feel?

Hi, has anyone used a marriage counselling app with success in the UK before? Preferably free or very affordable?

My partner and I are really struggling after almost a decade together, a newborn and a house move, plus interference from family. I'd really like us to try something, as not ready to give up, but equally cannot go on as we are.

We both get very defensive and I think without it even being intentional, our low moods create a really passive aggressive and negative atmosphere, one of us then gets offended ans makes a dig, and the cycle continues. Since around my middle of pregnancy (I'm now 4 months post partum) we have argued almost everyday. We once had a full 6 days without arguing and it felt back to normal and was lovely...but it didnt last.

If you can point us in the direction of help, or share something useful/ tips that have helped you, we would be grateful.

Please be kind, feeling very low and fragile right now.

My boyfriend and I have been having many issues for a long time now. In retrospect, we probably should have started some form of couples counseling a while ago, but neither of us seemed to grasp how many issues we were having until after the pandemic. Our biggest issue is communication. We both avoid having difficult conversations because we are both so intensely conflict-avoidant. This avoidance led to a lot of pent-up resentment for both of us and we've had argument after argument for what feels like all year. After yet another huge argument we decided to try couple's counseling in lieu of immediately ending the relationship. I can't speak for him, but I want to make sure I give this relationship my all before throwing in the towel, especially because I can remember how I used to feel about him and want to feel that again with him.

We managed to find someone accepting new clients for couples counseling. Unfortunately, the appointment isn't until late in November. In reality, that day isn't too far away. However, I wake up every day in a crisis and the idea of feeling this way every day until the appointment is overwhelming. Avoiding each other wouldn't help with our communication issues, but because we are struggling with communicating I have no idea how to try and have any sort of constructive dialogue. We've had sort of surface level happy or humorous conversations, which are nice, but it only temporarily distracts from the fact that we are in a crisis. How do I help keep the peace or make any small improvements in our communication until our appointment with a couples counselor comes up?

TL;DR - Relationship is in crisis. How do I keep the peace or make any small improvements in communication until we start couples counseling?

I’ve heard this so many times from so many different people. One partner wants to go to couples counseling and the other one says “No, that shows that we failed.” There’s just this stigma attached to it that really shouldn’t be there. What shows your relationship fails is not doing anything within your power to help try to fix things, even if that means reaching for outside help. I took a couples and therapy counseling course in undergrad and my professor said that most couples don’t seek counseling until things are past the point of no repair. She said that if couples went earlier, and not when things were in crisis mode, that that increases chances of saving relationship. Don’t wait. There’s no shame and I wish that there wasn’t shame attached. Relationships are hard. Some relationships need help and some don’t, that’s not a bad thing. Couples counseling also not only for help save relationship but helping each person realize if it’s the best/right thing to stay together or separate.

TLDR is basically the title, but if you'll bare with me, I just need to get this off of my chest.

I am a 20 year old woman. I've had a terrible relationship with my father since I was 12 years old and to this day, he is the person who has said the meanest thing to me ever. I was bullied in high school, so this says a lot.

My father would take his anger out on me by yelling and screaming, saying cruel things, and just generally disrespecting me as a person. He does the same to my mom, but instead of 7 years (I moved out at 19), it's been 30.

Some of his finest moments have been, "Oh you're life is SO horrible! You should just kill yourself!" to his 12 year old daughter having a bad day in a public place.

When I went to see a therapist for depression and later talked about my issues with my father as a 17 year old and told him I was afraid of him and he hurts me frequently he said, "I've been this way your whole life. I can't and won't change." to his daughter who just wanted a normal relationship with her dad.

"I guess they don't teach economics in school anymore," when I DARED to give my friend a ride to work with no expectation of being repaid and when I said I was in fact in an economics class in high school he asked, "Did you pass?" when he knew that because of HIS expectations, the lowest grade I'd ever had in school was a singular C and it was in calculus.

I finally stood up for myself and my mom the night before I moved out and after going back and forth for a few minutes he said to me, "You'll learn respect when you have to spend most of your week in a seedy motel."

He called me a coward when I snuck out of his house that next day while they were gone with my things and into a place I'd later learn was infested with bedbugs and where I'd live for 7 months rather than go home to him.

He accused me of having sex with my boyfriend in the back of my car when HIS dog ended up pissing back there on a car ride (I was not at all angry or upset with the dog) while I was visiting him and my mom. The only reason this was hurtful was because I've only ever fantasized of car sex because my partner doesn't want to do it and also, there are in general better places to do such things. I didn't think my father would see me as what he would call a tramp or a slut (not my opinion btw).

I cut contact with him that night because he said, "I already have one daughter who doesn't speak with me because of my comments, feel free to join her," so I did

I (24M) am engaged to the girl I've been dating for almost 9 years and 90% of the time things are pretty great. But there are a few things that we have recurring fights about and I feel like these aren't issues that we can resolve between just us since we haven't gotten anywhere trying to work them out for years already. I feel like it would be helpful to have someone who can be impartial and guide us through working through some of these issues, especially before we get married as I wouldn't want to carry these things into our marriage. The only problem is that we can't really afford to pay for sessions with a professional counsellor. Are there any free or low cost options we can seek out?

I've no idea what it will be called in time, but I will propose that it may be something like "The Autonomic Age," as that is where pretty much all "fast-acting" and effective psychotherapy is headed. Bruce McEwen's, Sonya Lupien's, Robert Sapolsky's, Pat Ogden's, Janina Fisher's and Deb Dana's revolutionary revisitations of Hans Selye's, Joseph Wolpe's and Herbert Benson's 50-to-70-year-old dis-cover-ies of the autonomic nervous system, the general adaptation syndrome and the "fight, flight or freeze" responses to sudden threat are bearing fruit -- with the help of Stephen Porges's "polyvagal theory" -- at a level no one dreamed of in the '60s or '70s.

Grasp at the level of Porges's The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe (2015) and Ogden & Fisher's Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (2015), as well as Fisher's Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation (2017) and Dana's The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (2018), has already changed the psychotherapeutic landscape for recovery from "awful childhood" and "violently invasive" (e.g. rape) trauma leading to simple and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. (As is obvious to anyone who was attending the big Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences before COVID hit.)

Ogden, Fisher and Dana have, however (whether they realize it yet or not) hit on teachable ways to monitor for, notice, recognize, acknowledge, accept, own and appreciate -- and thereby reduce or even eliminate -- unnecessary and potentially destructive reciprocal reactivity in the third stage of intimate relationships before things come down to "Should I Stay or Should I Go?." (The first stage is "pink cloud," the second is "oh, I see now...," the third is "here we go again; sigh.")

The [10 StEPs + SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorym

My partner and I have been together for 9 years. My ADHD makes me careless and reactionary at times. I will forget to lock the sliding door throughout the day or will fail to follow exact instructions. When I do this, my partner gets frustrated. The anxiety I get from his anger and frustration leads to me become reactionary and emotional. This prompts him to try to get control of the situation further and will usually lead to a lecture at best, or a full on agreement at worst. I basically walk around feeling like I'm being observed and in trouble all the time. And he's left feeling like I'm an incompetent burden he has to 'manage'. Is this an issue for other people? Has relationship counseling helped anyone here?

Edit: First, thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. We wre both medicated and in individual therapy.

So me an my fiancé have been together for going on 4 years an we have a beautiful baby boy together, bought a house together, all that. But lately it feels like he never wants to do anything with us. Like he will sit on his video games for hours on end then the next day bitch about how I never let him play video games. When we are spending time together he’s always on his phone an I have to give him “the look” to put his phone down an enjoy family time with me an our son. I’ve given up basically everything I used to find enjoyable so that I can cook, clean, an make sure our son is well taken care of but it just never seems like it’s enough for him. I thought it was his job but he has since gotten a new job that allows him to spend more time with us but he’s still miserable an talks about how he now hates this job too. I tried talking to him to see what’s wrong an all he ever says is that he’s tired. I’m starting to lean toward relationship counseling but am afraid it will be a huge waste of money. If you have any success stories with relationship counseling I’d love to hear them. I’m kinda losing hope an it breaks my heart because he is my total dream guy but he’s just such a pessimist it’s starting to turn me sour.

Im (29 F) wanting to do relationship counseling with my boyfriend (42M). We have been arguing constantly, yes there was infidelity. Honestly there are issues on both of our ends and I figured relationship counseling will either help us come out of this rough spot or at least help us coparent successfully should we decide to break up. How did you bring up relationship counseling if your relationship was already on thin ice?

Who do you recommend for relationship counseling? I'm looking for someone who uses science-based counseling approaches rather than heavily-religious approaches.

Or you know, post about it in a couples related sub. These posts are exhausting for us and it feels like we’re being taken advantage of. We will always love to help but people have to get real about where they can find true help.

My fiancée and I have had a long-standing agreement that we want to do couples counseling before we get married, and now that we are engaged, we are getting a little frustrated looking around. I would like to do this in person, but our area has very limited options and the waiting lists are very long, let alone trying to find a therapist who would be affirming and able to handle the range of what we’re looking for.

I’m strongly opposed to BetterHelp, Regain, and similar types of online-based “app” therapy, but does anyone have recommendations for distanced or video call couples therapists, or even self-guided courses or books that were helpful for you? We are looking for sort of a secular “premarital counseling” process, but we are also really looking for someone that would be comfortable with sex therapy, or even a separate sex therapist/course/book/whatever.

Really appreciate anyone that can help, sometimes being a lesbian feels like being a rare fish or something that only has 3 specialists in the world.