After work why does Barack wants to be referred to as Al?

Because sweet home Al Obama....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...

Would it now be an Edison?

πŸ‘︎ 540
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdbsplashum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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Aldi
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BBalazs03
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.

I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!

Man: Wait, I can explain everything!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Why are portholes round?

So the water doesn't hit you sqaure in the face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philbertagain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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David Hasselhoff has started to refer to himself as Hoff.

It’s less of a hassle.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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What do you get when you give five doses of valium to a lizard?

A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Middlerun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
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Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Doctor Visit

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."

The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Got my family pretty good, my dad even cried a little

I didn't make the joke in english but it translates well.

We just had lunch and my mom was clearing out the table and putting stuff in the dishwasher while my brothers and my dad were talking about the party we were going to that afternoon. My mom and dad would go there by bike and my brothers and I would take the car.

Then my mom said: "should I turn on the dishwasher so everything will be clean when we'll return?"

On which I commented: "That's not fair, we go by car, and you by bike, while the dishwasher has to run?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dovahkoen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
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Dadjoked by a customer yesterday.

I was working the counter yesterday and we had an exceptionally long line for a Wednesday. There was one customer who was taking forever to finish up the transaction. When I got to the man next in line, I Immediately apologized.

"Sorry for the wait, Sir."
"Oh, I haven't stepped on a scale in years. Has it gotten that bad?"

cue facepalm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry_ery_tyme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Quintuple pun

I'm thinking about giving up my life and movimg to India to be a standup comedian, but I'm nervous, it would be my first Punjobi. I Khan't get very far without knowing much about Sikhing this kind of work, so if you could be my reference and Singh my praises, that would be great, I'm just sick of working in a Deli.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megajamie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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What does an elf have for his birthday?

Shortcake

(Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)

EDIT: For peoples saying elves aren’t small, I’m referring to the type of elf that would work for santa, not lord of the rings. I’m sure you get the idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealFletch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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I made a comic for my dad. He's a Doctor
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sooperdavid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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We were at a German motel...

... my mom was getting ready to take a shower and asked my dad to call reception and ask for a hair dryer. He discreetly took his cell, went into the other room and called our room. My mom answered the phone and in his best German accent said: "Zis is reception Herr Draier speaking."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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Observed a weather-themed dad joke

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy. One begins making small talk about the weather:

"I hope the rain keeps up!"

"Huh?"

"So it doesn't come down!"

Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ms_Mediocracy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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I'm working on a new movie script.

The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.

Working title: REFER MADNESS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grecianformula69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Scan puns

So I work with Honeywell scanners in my business. My boss bought 20 or so scanners and told me to test them out, then give them a name. Running outta good ones and need some help. Time to shine Reddit. Looking for punny scanner names and references

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brbbins1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

  1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

  2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

  3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

  4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

  5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

  6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

  7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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A Little Pun on the Job

So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.

My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him." I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke." So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'." He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh." I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xanderismello
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Dude, you're getting a DUI

Today at work a different FedEx delivery dude shows up, makes the "dude you got a Dell!" reference (since he was delivering a computer) and then proceeds to say how we don't see those commercials anymore because the actor was jailed for marijuana possession. Everyone heard it wrong and thought our normal guy was in jail, to which my boss replies, "Weed? I thought that was a Gateway drug!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidtermMassacre
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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The Train conductor at the station this morning was definitely a Dad...

So I was taking the train to work this morning, and I'm exchanging at a station. I walk up the stairs to the platform to get my second train which should lead me to work, and I notice a train leaving the platform. As anyone would do, I asked the conductor "is that Liverpool?" (referring to the train as my destination). He replied "No mate, that's a train". It wasn't the liverpool train and I wasn't late, but that sure made my day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Throwaway00010110
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
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Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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I thought it was funny, even if she didn't get it

My kids wanted to camp in the back yard. My wife set the tent up while I was at work and expected me to sleep outside with them. I had to work the next morning. My wife was going to camp with them instead.

For reference, I call my daughter my princess and me and my wife have a queen size bed.

Daughter:(trying to talk me into camping with them)If you don't sleep outside you won't get to snuggle with your princess! Me: it's ok, I'll have a queen all to myself. Wife:groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoveLikeMacgyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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Dad joked my coworker, hard.

So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as "PICs" (pronounced "pick"). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; "I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE! CAN I SEE A PIC?"

I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"You asked to see a pick."

And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noramacsbitch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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Dadjoked my friend

Friend of mine is filling out an application and needs three work references. He says, "I'm putting down my boss."

"Don't insult your boss, dude."

groan

:D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrinceHabib72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Co-worker got me just now

I work in a shared office space with two co-workers, one of which is a coffee addict like me.

We share a French press, and as I was taking the bag of coffee and press to the breakroom, I asked her, "Guess what time it is?" expecting the response "coffee time."

Her response: "Eight o'clock?"

It was most definitely not 8am, and took me a second to realize she was referring to the brand of coffee I was holding.

A groan and reluctant smile followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/test4echo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2016
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Got dadjoked trying to golf.

In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black

Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.

Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?

Me: yes.

Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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My Dad dropped what might be the most obscure joke I've heard

Basically we somehow got on the topic of hipsters and irony. My Dad wanted to make a sort of pun to annoy my sister, because she hates puns.

Now I figure most people would make some sort of reference to an iron "e", and that would be it. But oh no, that's far too simple for him. He says something along the lines of,

"If they're ironic (or defined by irony), doesn't that make them Pharisees?"

So you've got to know that "Ferrous" refers to iron, and then to have some basic knowledge of the New Testament or at least have heard of the Pharisees before. This kind of works on another level because the Pharisees were accused of saying one thing and doing another, which could be said to be ironic to some degree. Of course I've just killed the frog at this point, but I mean if you're ever around some Chemists who have some knowledge of the bible, you might get a slight chuckle, or perhaps even a nod. I'm not really even sure if this qualifies as a Dad joke, but there ya go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raptor-Llama
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Dadjoked on Halloween

I was telling my dad about some of the dogs I saw dressed up for Halloween while I was at work, and he cuts me off and says "ya know, it's really mean to refer to those people as if they were dogs" and then proceeded to crack himself up while I just stood there and stared at him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scabelus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2013
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