A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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My neighbor asked me if I recognized the mini statues in my front graden...

But I didn’t gnome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowblink
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.

I'd never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryan22000044
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says to him, β€œWe don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. β€œWhat did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, β€œA rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiFiGuy197
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant β€œDo you have β€˜European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

β€œCertainly,” replies the assistant. β€œWould you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, β€œI'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotFunny_69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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I’ve posted this before but you guys didn’t recognize the brilliance of it so I’m posting it again because fuck you that’s why
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExWaifuPillow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timbillyosu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a zoo once and all it had were dogs, I saw this breed I didn’t recognize.

Then I realized, it was a shit zoo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Recognizing propaganda
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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How do you recognize a barbarian?

I can't tell, it's all Greek to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sordidnoose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Attorney Lex Lawson seeks out elegant and luxurious cafes wherever he goes. He has been widely recognized as a persistent .........

ambience chaser

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?

Because he’s been living under a rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/achafrankiee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
He pretended to be a father.

But I immediately recognized the faux pas.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThusSpokeGaba
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I recognized that picture of cows from somewhere

turns out, it was a stock photo

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How do other Green Lanterns recognize each other?

They all have a familiar ring to them.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittiekillbunnie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad: "Knock, Knock" Kid: *sigh* "Who's there?"

Dad: "What?!?? You don't even recognize your own father??"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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When my mum became a vegan, I couldn't recognize her

It's like I've never seen Her-bivore

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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A woman woke up from breast augmentation surgery and didn’t recognize herself anymore...

she was having a real identitty crisis

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickassicalia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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I've gotten to the age when young people don't recognize my song lyric references anymore.

Well I guess this is growing up.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrIncorporeal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you recognize a nerdy mermaid?

She wears an algaebra.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I almost answered the phone when my talkative German brother-in-law was calling me, but thankfully I recognized the number.

That was a Klaus call

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the Tesla car AI get confused when trying to recognize a picture of Teddy Roosevelt?

It thought Theodore was a jar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Despite the fact that Johnny Depp really disappears into his characters, I never seem to have any trouble recognizing him in a movie.

I guess I just have good Depp perception.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adambrantbelcher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
🚨︎ report
I didn't recognize Paul Bettany as the villain in the the new Solo Start Wars movie.

I guess my Vision's going bad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibrentlam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is it so hard to recognize pilots?

Because they're in da skies.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kanadiantuxedo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a missed call from earlier today - it was a number I don’t recognize and my phone says it’s from β€œEgypt”.”

I wonder if it was someone calling from one of those β€œpyramid schemes.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baker_esq27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the most recognized exorcist from Mississippi?

Elvis Possessedly

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I went into a crypt but couldn't recognize the bodies

I guess they were encrypted.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earned_potential
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The inventor of the elastic waistband has finally been recognized for his contribution to humanity.

He was awarded the No-Belt Prize

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theikos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
🚨︎ report
When you get a bigger bed
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pegacornian
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sailboat you don’t recognize at your regatta?

A catamarando.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jon1nelsen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but...

I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syeq
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
🚨︎ report
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from a vegetarian restaurant.

I was a bit confused

I had never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D1v1nE_reign
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.

I’d never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquariusV1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
this girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

but i've never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dangybruhe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
🚨︎ report
A girl recently told me she recognized me from the local vegetarian club..

I swear I’ve never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mike-ekim
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

But I never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JAM224365
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..

..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NEEEEEN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A lady said she recognized me from the vegetarian club...

but I swear I had never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pb609
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
This girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club but I’ve never met herbivore.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxnhobo
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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