A shark can swim faster than me, but I reckon I can run faster than a shark.

So, if it was a Triathlon, it would come down to, which one of us was better at riding a bike....Right!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I've got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes.

What an Oxo moron

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Sleep experts reckon that in order to stay optimally healthy, you need "6-8 hours a day".

That's me buggered then, my day has 24 hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I can't say for satan, but I reckon he's born to play the part
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dolphinville
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife reckons it's weird.

I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.

I wonder who else he's told

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I don't trust the owls at Machu Pichu...

I reckon they are all Inca hoots.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Do you reckon London Wasps have a bee team?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danflan89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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It's been forever since I've been on this sub

I reckon it was last year

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Cause he couldn’t see that well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rthomason11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I've heard people say Joe is too old to be president..

...but I reckon he's just been Biden his time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmarilloMike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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When your pun becomes your business - spotted on the Isle of Wight. I reckon that this time next year, they will be millionaires... imgur.com/MAA6njW
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facepalmfarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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What's the strongest number?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomThrowawayKS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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You reckon so, Dad?

Whenever someone asks my dad's opinion he always tries to sneak in "I rectum sore" instead of "I reckon so" to see if anyone notices.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrMasterBlaster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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Force to be reckoned with.

Yesterday my girlfriend managed to break 4 eggs in a matter of minutes, and when the 4th one's innards were all over the kitchen floor, I said:

"You know normally you are a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen, but right now you're just a force that's wreckin' the kitchen."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radiomuted
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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What did the ceiling fan say?

WOOHOO! YEAH NO. 1! GO CEILING!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe_Tapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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I've eaten so many dates lately that I can't stand them any more.

I guess you can say I'm outdated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Need help with a dad joke

I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.

So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcoutie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.

My mate reckons I have selfie steam issues

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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What do you call a cow in Chernobyl?

Moohtated

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nieepie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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It takes 4000 hours to become a master of cheese

I reckon after 2000 you become cheese bored.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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Got my wife with this absolute beaut.

I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after.

"I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears" I say.

"I can't see any of it" says my wife.

"Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream" says I.

wife groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan17492
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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What do you call a southern lumberjack?

A tree feller

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentInfinity1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."

"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."

"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"

"Rustlin'" says the bartender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgwalkerii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Restaurant dad.

So I was at work at the cafe the other day, and a family came in. It was pretty quiet so they got to choose where to sit. I said "Just take any table you'd like" At this point the dad starts pretending to lift a table. He turns to his son and says "Do you reckon this'll fit in the car."

edit: typos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdos93
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
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Have you heard about Isaac Newton’s mother?

She was a Ma to be reckoned with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baynesaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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A gunman was just sighted near my local hairdresser.

If they come under fire I reckon their only option will be to bob and weave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viglek
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Remember dads to be prepared for tomorrow.

It’s a fourth to be reckoned with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mlnkoly111
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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I went to the store the other day for groceries

and noticed they were setting out the turkeys for thanksgiving. I decided to go ahead and buy mine for this year so I started digging around for the largest one they had looking for a good 20+ pounder but couldn’t find anything over 17 lbs. I turned to the stock boy and asked,

β€œDo these get any bigger?”

He answered with

β€œWell seein as they’re dead I reckon they’ve stopped groin.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/here_for_the_dog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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An Australian gave his opinion on loam.

He reckoned it was top soil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Box_of_fox_eggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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Guy and his mate are walking through the woods.

Guy spots some mushrooms on the ground and asks "reckon we'll have some fun if we ate them?"

His mate says "Mushrooms aren't fun Guy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomparkes1993
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Dad-in-law hit me with this one last night...

He knocks on our door and before even stepping in, he goes "Did you hear about that guy across the road? He was taken away by the police last night when they found him getting high in the supermarket car park sniffing batteries."

"Sniffing batteries!? I didn't even know that was a thing. What do you reckon they're going to do with him?" I said innocently. Then I saw this big smug shit-eating grin, and immediately knew what was coming.

"I dunno, I'm guessing they're going to leave him in a dry cell until they figure out what to charge him with."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthefreeman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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Why did the two punsters get a divorce?

I reckon syllable differences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohitstuesday
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
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Football related dad joke

Some background: There are two very good players that me and my dad were talking about our team (Arsenal) signing. These players surnames are Clyne and Shaw.

Me: Yeah, I reckon Arsenal should try to sign both of them

Dad: I'm in-Clyne-ed to agree with you.

Me: I'm 'Shaw' they would improve the team.

Mum: Sigh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marsox33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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I'm pretty sure my dad has only ever used his Facebook this once

I was in Paris and uploaded a photo I took of the Venus de Milo.

Dad: This guy looks pretty 'armless Me: oh dear Mum: besides which, I think it's a girl Me: the boobs give it away Mum: ya reckon?

Shut down, dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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