I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.
Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!
Question: What are doldrums?
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…”
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...
Dad, can I ask you a question?
Wife (serious question): What is the difference between a date and a prune?
Me: one you get lucky and the other you don't.
She was mad enough to leave the room...
Don't question the context.
Which question can come to first, but never last?
My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.
Police were questioning an egg
He couldn’t say anything, he was scrambling for words.
What do you get when you cross a dad joke with rhetorical question?
The guy I suspect is a cannibal in the office always brings in something questionable.
Today was white chick in chili.
The most important question before choosing your future wife ...
Can I axe you a question?
Never mind you’d chop at it.
Guys, I have a question. Me and a friend are arguing about the setting of the Ace Attorney games.
He keeps telling me its LA, but its gotta be Phoenix, right?
What has four letters?
That’s all. I was just letting you know.
What has questionable principles and flies?
Mike pence during tonight’s debate.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
Potential storage loft for salaried athletes’ prosthetics is in question:
...could be pro-limb-attic!
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question “How high are you?”
The drunk driver responds: “No, its ‘Hi, how are you?’”
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.
One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions.
Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers?
So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen.
I would go half blind.
If i poke you right eye what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in.
As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind.
Thanks mate and goes to see the boss.
Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen.
I would go half blind.
Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out.
He said thats obvious.
My cap would fall over my eyes!!
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
"Why am I being timed? I just asked a question.."
Where did the question mark go
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.
"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.
The priest replies, "you mean, a choir?"
"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to acquire a church-singing group?"
Question: How does the insulin organ maximise surface area?
It has a lot of pan-creases.
Sorry.
What’s something you question about a clown that farts?
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
How do the fish police question suspects?
They use the good carp, bad carp method.
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
I mustache you a question. Have you seen my blue marker?
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
I ordered a chicken and an egg online
Being a farmer, my son had lots of questions. One day he asked “ why are the cows laying down”
Dad, can I ask you a question?
Hey dad can I ask you a question?
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