I'm preparing to teach my son the alphabet.
How do figure skaters prepare for competitions
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
I asked my waiter how they prepare their chicken…
“Nothing special,” they said, “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
What did the city man think to the farmer preparing fertilize?
Son : "Hi Dad. I'm hungry", I am prepared for what he has to say.
Dad : let's order some food.
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
What do you call someone who is prepared to be a father?
Readily A(p)parent
Edit: for clarity.
What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?
What is a witches favorite gum?
Germany Prepares for COVID-19
While the rest of the world were stocking up on toiletpaper, the germans were stocking up on sausages and cheese
They were preparing for a wurst käse scenario
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...
He yells "UNO!"
The crowd falls silent in anticipation.
"DOS!"
Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.
Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.
Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
After years of training as a chef, the only job I got was preparing oysters at a small restaurant.
I have to say it really shucks.
Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
How does Moses prepare his tea?
My favorite toilet paper was discontinued. Nobody prepared me for how much of a pain in the ass it is to find a new favorite.
We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.
I guess that's hindsight in 2020
Did you hear about the psychic who was captured by cannibals? They had to very carefully prepare to eat him for the tribal feast.
Because very rarely is a medium well done.
A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.
He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.
They are preparing for a wurst käse scenario.
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
Jake, Alex, and Matt are preparing for a wedding. Jake tells Alex, “I tried on a new suit today.” Alex responds, “Has Matt?”
Jake says, “No, just a regular suit.”
My wife REALLY enjoys my cooking
She says i'm peking of the world, whenever i prepare duck for her.
Lesser known Knights of the Round Table
“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize
“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference
“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf
“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render
“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real
“I was the knight that drank too much.” - Sir Rhosis
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
How does a conductor prepare for his shift at work?
Which day of the week is for preparing battered food?
Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?
They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions.
After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing there’s only one way to prepare my chicken.
I figured he should be prepared
My friend graduated with a degree in geometry was well prepared for his career as a farmer...
He had bought his protractor in school.
In Germany this weekend they have been preparing for the crisis by stocking up on sausages and cheese.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
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