As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..
She says "Why? How much does it owe you"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 16 2019
I playfully punch my girlfriends arm once per second.
And then I said "Hertz, don't it?".
π︎ 88
π
︎ Dec 10 2015
So I just playfully licked my girlfriend on her cheek...
And my dad says "HEY. You can't do that without a liquor license."
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 08 2014
Pizza place played puns perfectly
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 06 2019
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didnβt sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
π︎ 292
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
π︎ 47
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band
I left because it was just one ting after another
π︎ 273
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Why itβs hard to teach Aussieβs how to play chess?
Because they think every check is check mate
π︎ 428
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why is 'Careless Whisper' played in so many hot scenes?
It is a rather saxy song.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
If I don't let my son play Call of Duty he screams for hours.
So I let him play and he screams for hours.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
I was working as a waiter in a restaurant and my boss enjoyed playing jokes on me.....
....wasnβt so funny when I turned the tables though was it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
πthe accuracy...π₯
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
Why can't Dalmatians play hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.
In one particular scene heβs strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells
Hey Iβm Joaquin here!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
The Texas state Aquarium taught a crow to play connect four, too bad they didn't teach it Clue...
I bet it would murder the game.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I heard herb gardens grow better with classic rock in the background, so I played a Styx album on repeat.
Now I've got Too Much Thyme on My Hands.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
Whereβs the best place to play a rock concert?
On a mountain!π€ π€ π€
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My crush came over to play legos
It was a good way to build our relationship
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
Why can't shellfish play video games?
They can't gain the mussel memory
π︎ 41
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
π︎ 60
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
How does Moses play games?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Jim Carrey is combining the movies where he plays God and a pet detective
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I never played football but people used to call me Messi.
Ah! I guess, I should clean my room.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I once saw a guy playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I was arrested yesterday after neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdink records all night
Police released me, let me go!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Whale played.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
Do French people play video games?
π︎ 75
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Where do unvaccinated children play ?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Why did they hire Chris to play Thor?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Iβm thinking of marrying my Quidditch playing girlfriend.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Which dinosaur was the best at playing basketball?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
What game does Stalin hate playing?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didnβt sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I saw some cows in the field smoking a joint and playing poker.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker
That's right!! The steaks were pretty high.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
Got a vinyl album the other day on wasp sounds. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I was playing the bee side
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
My crush came over to play legos
It was a good way to build a relationship
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Some cows were caught smoking weed an playing poker.
Yes, the steaks were very high.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
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