Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I told him “no, I was born with it”
Solar powered clippers attached to a drone that I can program to do most of my landscaping.
It’s real Cutting Hedge Technology.
They played rock paper Caesar
It’s my dream job.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
Now my hands are Clamy!
I always have had the one I was born with!
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I identified it as Leaverite.
As in "put that rock down and leaverite there!"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
I read it undercover to cover.
My son hates it... he always likes to tell me “dad! Stop! Smoking causes cancer”... I’m always disappointed to inform him, “No son. Smoking causes ashes”
*Dad is hammering around in the garage*
Son: Whatcha doing?
Dad: I'm thinking about playing in heavy metal band
It's rubbish. The streets have no name.
...don't use shallot."
What can I say, I knead the dough
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
I relished the opportunity!
I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Because Batman sworn to protect goth ham.
It really sucked me in.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
He’s the Sturgeon General
20,000lb of frozen bread so clearly I'm loafing along and a gluten for punishment.
Bad puns are the yeast of my problems. This load takes me to the upper crust, but if I don't get it in on time I'm toast!
Sorry about my rye sense of humor...
...then looked at me and said "I'm packing heat"
And I just couldn’t put it down
She had been at her mom's for a week and we were switching over to my place.
I told her "You'll be happy to know I didn't think of a single dad joke last week..."
"Good!"
"...I thought of a whole bunch of them!"
/groan "Dad...."
"Yeah, that wasn't a very good one, I know."
Then I thought about it for a minute, and we were walking up to the house and I said "I still kind of like it though...I mean, it's a dad joke about dad jokes. So it's a meta dad joke." Looked at her, lowered my sunglasses..."And I've never met a dad joke I didn't like"
"Daaaaddddd...."
I was the strongest 6 year old in the country
I mean, who would stoop so low?
"Shello?"
The neighbours said that they will call the cops if I don’t put it back.
I can’t put it down.
I couldn’t put it down because it was so riveting.
He was discussing vehicles with his friend and his friend asked if he had a truck. The Californian man responds, “no, but I avocado”
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
"No, it kills them."
"No, it kills them."
He said, “No, it kills them.”
It’s impossible to put down
