Padded Puns

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

He never liked Bruised Knee

I felt like a new man, walking about with my new inSeouls.

Well mine seems to be missing. It must have just downright up and left.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

I called it a period piece.

A sketch pad

Chile Pad.

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

Because they have 3 periods a game.

It was a anti-climb antic.

Padme

(As in, pad of paper)

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS 20 cents

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

It was my spatula pad.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.

I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD

I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I'm comin' up so you better get this pad-thai started.

So this man is talking to God and he says:

“God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?”

Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.”

Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?”

Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?”

Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...

Fur protection

So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: "And now you do my bidding."

I patted myself on the shoulder after that.

Edit: Grammar.

One's a tadpole, and the other is a pad toll.

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

Because they have to change their pads after every period

(Another joke courtesy of my father, he’s 2 for 2 tonight)

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

The Lunch Pad?

My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed. I said "Well, why don't you sleep on it?".

but the police are confident both those iPads and iPhoneX will be tracked down and returned shortly.

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

Mine seems to be missing, it must've just downright up and left.