Overheard Puns

J: why is big Ben called big Ben? L: it's named after someone J: why couldn't it have been named after me? L: it wouldn't have the same ring.

So proud 👏

"What seems to be the mortar?"

I got one laugh out of three others there.

Even until now knives keep being...Cutting edge technology

He must have been working out a natural log.

"You can only use pencils with your stencils."

To me, that's just nuts.

Owner: Have you had a chance to look at the menu?

Customer: Yes

Owner: Excellent. Anything...Peking your interest?

"You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her.

"I can't sing," she replied.

I said, "Exactly."

Sadly, I'm afraid I couldn't catch them all.

Needless to say, he was pithed.

Great behinds stink alike

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

I was at an Amish buffet this summer and I was getting ready to pay up at the register when I heard this man say:

Man -"Do you take credit cards here?" Cashier - "We do" Man - "Do you give them back? "

British chemist: "I'll kick your arsenic!"

American chemist: "I'll kick your astatine!"

Organic chemist: "I'll kick your acetate!"

So I started taking melatonin. It helps.

In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!

The first anniversary of my 39th birthday.

I’m not sure about these debates, I’m really on the Pence

Guy 1: Bro could you pass me that pamphlet?
Guy 2: Bro, sure

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

It has become very corrupt.

Child : Dad, can we get some Nutella?

Dad : What's wrong with the old-tella?

"Dude, you want some of this Molly?"

"No thanks, I've got visitation rights for my kid this weekend."

"So?"

"So, I've already got my ex to see."

At least that’s the word on the street.

Darn it!

"WHO DO YOU FORK FOR? WHAT'S YOUR PLATE?"

This was maybe two weeks ago. I'm riding the subway to work when this young girl, maybe 6 or 7, looks up at her dad and says, “Daddy, what time is?”

She then hastily and very seriously adds, “And don't say ‘Party time’!”

It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. Nice job, dad.

Person A:. Don't worry about Xxxx. He runs on straight dick head fuel.

Person B: You call that Assholine?

I was looking at the taxidermy wild animals and was standing in front of the case with a baby ocelot. A family with two young kids were also standing behind me and I hear the husband say,

"Ocelot? More like Oce-little!"

I found this absolutely hilarious, but his wife just rolls her eyes and shuffles the kids to the next exhibit.

They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

Looks like she's not in Kansas anymore

Person: "Oh, you got a hair cut!"

A Dad: "I actually got all of my hairs cut!"

His response: “Ok, Mississippi.”

Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.

My sister came home and opened her bedroom door to find the cats had been locked in there for a while and were very keen to get out. She then came in to the kitchen and asked. "How long have the cats been locked in my room? Because they flew out the second I opened the door" Dad: "Well, long enough to grow wings"

Because it's only a buccaneer..

One never asks for unsolicited advice, because if you did, it would no longer be un.

Wow, we’ve cum so far

One says "bench press" the other says "dead"... As I walk by I say "elevator"...

Why does ice cream taste like milk? Because it is milk

I interjected and told her he seemed self-absorbed.

"hey. do you need a hand?"

"yes actually I do."

"well, it's a good thing I have two hands."

But I couldn't catch them all

Said by a British chemist: "I'll kick your arsenic!"

Said by an American chemist: "I'll kick your astatine!"