I was playing Super Smash Bros with my friend yesterday and her dad overhears her mom call her ruthless.

Her: โ€œIโ€™m not ruthlessโ€

Her dad: โ€œWell your name isnโ€™t Ruth so therefore you are ruthlessโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ClockworkPrincesss
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"

Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.

mum: snigger

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

โ€œExcuse me,โ€ I said, โ€œI couldnโ€™t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?โ€

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, โ€œItโ€™s Wales!โ€

โ€œNo offense intended,โ€ I replied. โ€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/schoonerw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, theyโ€™re dead."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Taylordprints
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Isaac Newton is sitting under a tree one day...

... when something falls out of the tree and hits him on the head.

He picks up the fallen object and examines it, then declares, โ€œWhy, some invisible force must have pulled this apple to the ground!โ€

A passerby overhears the famed scientist, then mutters, โ€œFucking idiot doesnโ€™t know one fruit from another,โ€ before shouting, โ€œHey! Thatโ€™s a fig, Newton!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/4DimensionalToilet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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A couple is touring Moscow...

The husband looks at the cloudy sky and says "It looks like rain" His wife says, "No, it's just cloudy." Their tour guide, a Communist officer named Rudolph, overhears them and says "It will definitely rain." Sure enough, a few minutes later, the heavens open and the tour group runs for cover from the downpour. The husband turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/glyph-bellchime
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Prison Mike in the making

So my 5 year old son always asks what Iโ€™m watching or playing (video games) and most of the time sits and watches for a while.

I had been binge watching The Office, so of course he would overhear most of the jokes. One day we were over our friends house who has a daughter my sons age. We sit down to eat some burgers and hot dogs, and out of nowhere my son belts out โ€œDONโ€™T DROP THE SOAP!โ€.

We all died laughing.

He shall be a good dad someday.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Smorts56
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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The one about the

Two horses are talking in a field. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. Went real fast, passed the others and won the race.

Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race.

In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race.

The one horse turns and says to the other...

'Fucking hell, a talking dog!'

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eltegs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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Prosthetic Limbs

Dad overhears conversation: "... I heard he has to get prosthetics! How expensive do you think those are?"

"I bet they cost an arm and a leg."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheD1ctator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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I had a dad joke while working as a to go host at a restaurant.

I was working on the 4th of July. Guy comes in. Orders a burger with a side of French fries. We were out of fries so he decides to order a side soup: French onion. I ring in the order and he goes outside to wait, there were a few other customers out there smoking.

The chef calls the front desk to let me know that we were also out of French onion. It was late at night so this happens occasionally.

I go outside to let him know we were out, so that he can order something else. The other costumers smoking overhear me telling him that "We are out of French onion soup". The guy smoking says "man, you guys are out of French fries too what the heck?"

I chime in "well it is Independence Day."

They all laughed, and the guy ordered the lobster bisk. I high fived myself on the way back to the stand.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Harpo3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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Baking 101...

So my dad told me about the highlight of his day. He was shopping at the grocery store and someone over the intercom said "Bakery 101" because they had a call. So my dad walks across the store to the bakery and says "Bakery 101? Where do I sign up!" He was so proud of himself but I can only imagine the pain from anyone close enough to overhear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Markmywordsone
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2015
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A female nurse just got a sex change after she became a dad joker....

Just sitting at a computer....I overhear her say,

"I have to go give this ass a suppository."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/margraves
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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