True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

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👤︎ u/Etereve
📅︎ Sep 28 2020
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I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

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📅︎ Aug 10 2020
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Orchards around the world are going out of business en masse...

All their hard work really is just one big, fruitless endeavor.

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📅︎ May 06 2020
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Once there was a man who owned an orchard. He grew lots of things. Apples, pears, cherries, peaches, oranges and lemons.

The stonefruit was almost ready for harvest when he was hit with a bout of laryngitis that left him unable to talk. Despite the doctors orders for bed rest, he went into the orchard early one morning to find all of his mature peach trees had been stolen. He was peachless."

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👤︎ u/KatWayward
📅︎ Apr 08 2020
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What do you call a thief that robs a maple orchard?

Syruptitious.

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👤︎ u/melonwheel
📅︎ Oct 05 2019
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I never should have visited the dead orchard.

It was a fruitless endeavor.

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📅︎ Sep 26 2019
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Did you hear that the apples in the orchard were sabotaged?

They think it was an in-cider job.

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📅︎ May 16 2019
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What's the opposite of an orchard?

An orcsoft.

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👤︎ u/KneeCola77
📅︎ Oct 08 2018
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This isn't an apple orchard

So grow a pear

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👤︎ u/Arcee_Jace
📅︎ Nov 23 2018
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I've never seen The Cherry Orchard, or Three Sisters

But that's definitely something I'd like to Chekhov my list.

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📅︎ May 15 2018
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Did you hear about the new synagogue built in the orchard?

I hear they have apple jews there.

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📅︎ Oct 02 2017
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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📅︎ Aug 21 2020
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My girlfriend wanted to go to a botanical garden in the mountains

I rose to the occasion.

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📅︎ Jun 22 2017
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While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

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📅︎ Dec 13 2018
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The Apple doesn't fall far from the Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son rolls eyes: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."

Dad: "I slipped in cider."

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👤︎ u/SoDakZak
📅︎ Jul 07 2017
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Driving to College with my mom and my dad...

And there's a plastic box in the back with all my shampoo and shit in it clunking around making noise. I tell my mom that it might have been better to put my toiletries in a safer place, to which my dad responds, "well I'm going to grow a whole orchard and sell them to Home Depot. You know, those toilet trees that you have."

Ughhh, I'll be glad once I'm at college

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👤︎ u/RaptorX7
📅︎ Sep 26 2014
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It didn't help after all.

My wife, son, and I are watching a ball game downstairs in the man cave. As I get up to go to the fridge....

Son: Hey Dad, grab Mom another Angry Orchard.

Me: Sure, maybe it will help me get in cider.

(Wife facepalms)

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📅︎ Dec 18 2014
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After complaining about not liking Facebook, my dad informed me of my options

"You heard of Apple's new social media site? They're calling it Orchard"

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👤︎ u/McFroggers
📅︎ Jul 20 2015
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We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

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📅︎ Aug 09 2014
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