Unpresidented.
I said, "in a croc pot".
I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.
I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics...
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
“Yes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.
What a re-leaf!
So I pushed her under a bus
You should breddit.
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
He was de odor ant.
Tortoise
“That’s the last thing I need!”
Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. “YO SEND ME TEA.!”
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
is to be related to Liam Neeson.
It has never let me down.
Very modest of you, glad you’re not lion.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/abmnbt/short_story/ed24i0m?utm_source=reddit-android
Lyft.
If he climbed on a ladder.
Mainstream.
The cop goes, "This is a one way street!"
My grandpa replies, "How many ways was I going?"
According to Calculus, we will get an Amazon, plus a sea.
So my dad and I went to a baseball game and during the game he turns and asks, "Son, how many people do you think can fit in this stadium?" When I began to think about it, he gave me this look and then cheekily says, "I just want a ballpark estimate".
He thinks this is his magnum opus dad joke.
appreciated
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One of my favorite activities is hiking, and my Dad absolutely detests hiking, so I thought it was a little odd when he asked me if I wanted to go hiking. I said yes, and we did. Then a few days later he asked me to go hiking again. It took about six trips in total for me to answer with "Count me in!" Then, with the biggest smirk in the world plastered on his face he proudly said "One."
He went hiking with my six times in the hopes that eventually I would say count me in, and he could use that joke. Bravo, Dad. Bravo.
But the odd ones are just strange.
Last time I went home, dad had a friend over who shared with us the struggles he now encountered with providing daily basic care for his own aging, terminally-ill father.
"You just can't imagine right now," he assured me, "what it's like to wipe your own father's ass after helping him off the toilet."
"Yeah, well I'm sure you're right," I responded, "but I certainly can imagine it's pretty awkward. He's all bent over. You're back there trying to clean him up and pretend everything's normal, of course he's gonna be fine, when suddenly your eyes meet. With his voice filled with pride, he says, "that's a real good wipe, son."
My dad and his friend laughed their asses off.
As we're watching the warm ups to the world cup he turns and says, "what's the most abundant kind of potato?".
"The commentator!"
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
Dad:"Hey, do you want me to get anything from the store?"
Me:"Sure can you get me some bread please?"
Him:"Give me some dough, and I'll get you some bread!
Proceeded by sarcastic groan/laughs.
He said "sir,do you realise this is a one way street?"
I said "but officer, I was only going one way."
