Some homeless guy had a go at me for my poorly-oiled bike chain
It must have been grinding his gears.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 19 2016
Like a well oiled machine.
My dad cranks out jokes left and right during each dinner we have together.
Today though, got more groans than usual.
My mom has been suffering some back pain this week, and today was especially bad. The kitchen lights were giving her a headache to boot. She asked "it's to bright in here..."trying to ask if someone would turn of the lights. She didn't stand a chance, before even finishing her sentence my dad had already risen with his plate and fork in hand and exclaimed "I'll just eat in the other room then".
π︎ 22
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︎ Oct 19 2013
A buddy of mine works on an oil field. I had to stop spending time with him..
Because his sense of humor was too crude
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Today I bought extra virgin olive oil
After I used it it was just olive oil.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Hydrogenated THC oil is a high margarine commodity
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
What makes oil boil?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Where does extra virgin olive oil comes from ?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
π︎ 551
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
People were offended when I told them a joke about oil.
They did not like my crude humor. I'll have to refine it.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
Drilling for oil
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"
π︎ 35
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I heard a large oil company is making fuel out of bug urine...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
Which country has the most oil?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
I went on a date, and all she kept talking about for three hours was olive oil
Iβm thinking extra virgin
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
π︎ 100
π
︎ May 02 2020
I spilled some oil
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 14 2020
Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 23 2020
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
π︎ 104
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︎ Jan 31 2020
My wife shouted, βYouβre shirtless and also covered in oil?β I chuckled, βWell, youβre always saying I never glisten.β
βListen! You never listen!β
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 17 2020
If the price of oil futures goes any deeper, it will hit oil.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes their fortune...
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 02 2020
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Motherβs Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
Martin finds an old oil lamp
Genie: "You get three wishes. I can't kill anybody, I can't make anybody fall in love, I can't bring anybody back from the dead, and you can't wish for more wishes."
Alladin: "I wish that I was rich!"
Genie: "Done."
Rich: "... I wish that I have a lot of money."
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 05 2020
What did the oil say when it crashed it's price into negative value?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
If youβre thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.
That way youβre a smooth criminal.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
My transformation is almost complete
So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)
Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"
My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"
...Pls send help
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Long, stupid Dad joke
The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. Thatβs where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Why did Popeye write to the Italian food company Bertolli, thanking them for everything theyβd done?
They made olive oil spread.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
What kind of oil does Popeyes Chicken use?
π︎ 14
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︎ Mar 03 2020
A jar of peanut butter needed an oil change
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 06 2020
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
What did the oil lamp say to the flickering candle?
Do you want to go out sometime soon?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?
A. Teach it proper manners!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
βOil on Canvas.ββ- Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 18 2019
βOil on canvasβββAnonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
π︎ 212
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
What helps a pirates hair grow?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
Oil on canvas. Hehe (best part? It was painted with acrylic!)
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 04 2018
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 14 2019
The 5 stages of butter
π︎ 5k
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︎ Sep 16 2019
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 26 2019
Whatβs the hottest letter in the alphabet?
βBβ, because it makes oil boil.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
π︎ 66
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules
Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
π︎ 70
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
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