Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I donโ€™t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they donโ€™t care if youโ€™re up.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NotMetheThree
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said โ€œitโ€™s becoming apparent that youโ€™re becoming a parentโ€.

Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ascott1963
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What did the dragon say to the office worker?

You're fired!

Credit my 9 year old son, flexing being a dad early.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ZombieDR
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2020
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My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.

He has such a huge Eggo.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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What did they do when they caught the worker stealing office supplies?

They sent him to the PENitentiary

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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My co worker was upset that office depot ruined her wedding invitations

She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rationaljackass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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My co-worker, a mother of two, got our office manager.

Our manager inherited some land from a lady he used to take care of. He told us a new buyer offered twice as much for half the land than his current potential buyer offered for all of it.

"The plot thickens!" my co-worker remarked. I saw it. I liked it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tanman1975
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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My co-worker dumped a small box of rubber bands looking for a paper clip. My other co-worker comes into the office and asks what happened to the rubber bands.

I responded with "It must have been that darn rubber bandit again!" That was my first really quick dad joker that I actually got complimented on!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ralyks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2016
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Walked by a co-workers office who just got a new standing desk...

Me: (stopped and stared for a second then) "Is that new?"

Co-worker: "Yes it is, trying to get healthy... what do you think?!"

Me: "That's out-standing!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrmonkey86
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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Safety ratings

I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.

Co-worker: โ€œHello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?โ€

Employee: โ€œIโ€™m just going to my office to water my plants.โ€

Me: โ€œThatโ€™s definitely green work.โ€

Co-worker: โ€œDid you have to?โ€

Me: โ€œSorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.โ€

Co-worker: โ€œReally?โ€

Me: โ€œGuess Iโ€™m stacking them up like cord wood today.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/II_Confused
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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Slaying the New Generation

A younger co-worker just walked past my office and said "I'm so tired," to which I replied "Hello Miss Tired, may I call you 'So'"?
She was immediately in absolute hysterical laughter. I don't know how long it went on. She walked away and was still laughing until she was out of ear shot.
I'm starting to suspect she's drunk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReallyBigTurtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 851
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Droidball
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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That'll show him

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfowler11
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2019
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I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crookedletter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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The dad joke I'm going to hell for

I was watching tv in the office when a story about heart transplantation comes on. Without missing a beat I turn to my co-worker and say: "well he's pretty heartless", she turns and nods, turning her attention back to the tv and then looks back at me a second later with a look of disgust but also smiling.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tom555
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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A Game of Thrones related groaner...

As I sat in the office lunchroom today, the topic of Game of Thrones came up, what with it's impending new season this Sunday. As we were discussing it, I mentioned that I couldn't hear a single bit of Swedish in Nickolaj Waldau's voice. My co-worker retorted that he could hear it quite a bit, and that I was perhaps accustomed to the accent, and thus tuning it out.

I replied, without quite thinking, that it was quite a Stark difference. There was silence between the six of us, followed by groans.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Downhill280Z
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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Unintentionally Dad joked my coworker just now.

I work at a CPA firm and walked by a co-worker who looked a bit frustrated since it's tax season. I ask if I'm going to hate doing taxes to when I finally get my CPA license. He replies with "it's not that I hate doing taxes, it's just that im worn out from the overtime". Without hesitation I replied with "oh, I'm sure the long hours can be very... Taxing". I instantly realized what I had said and before I could say no pun intended my Co worker let's out a very loud moan followed by booing that didn't stop until I left his office.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shibli09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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Co-worker got me just now

I work in a shared office space with two co-workers, one of which is a coffee addict like me.

We share a French press, and as I was taking the bag of coffee and press to the breakroom, I asked her, "Guess what time it is?" expecting the response "coffee time."

Her response: "Eight o'clock?"

It was most definitely not 8am, and took me a second to realize she was referring to the brand of coffee I was holding.

A groan and reluctant smile followed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/test4echo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2016
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Proud of this one, I thought of it on the spot.

One of my co-workers just walked by my office looking for stamp ink. She said, "You don't ever need to stamp anything, do you?"

Without missing a beat, I said, "Just my feet!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/faschwaa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Pregnant mom's dad joke

Pregnant woman walks into the office.

Co-worker: "Are you going to bring the baby into work?"

Pregnant mom: "I already do -- every weekday."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fracturedcrayon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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I think my co-worker may be a great dad one day.

I car pool with one of my co-workers and our conversation this morning went like this:

Me: "This job is just depressing. I know we work in IT and are secluded down in a basement but I would feel more cheerful if we were located in the office with WINDOWS..."

Him: "What are you talking about? We already are in an office with plenty of windows"

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "We work in IT. They're plenty of Windows to see."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CoreyLee04
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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This just happened. We were sitting round the table when...

Context: My mother's maiden name is Shearing and she had been at her parents, helping them out for a few days (they live far away) and had been talking about getting the wifi password, which was difficult.

So she said that she phoned her sister, but that a co-worker of her sister picked up. After being asked if he could help, my mother replied "Well unless you can tell me my dad's wifi password..." He laughingly replied "Sorry, that's not the type of information we share in this office."

Now my dad looks across the table, smiles and says "It's not the type of information they Shearing that office?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bfmGrack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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My dad just forwarded this email to me...

> > Balls > > > > INTERESTING OBSERVATION > > 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. > > > > > > > > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. > > > > > > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. > > And... > > > > > > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is > > GOLF. > > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: > > > > The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls > > become. > > There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Queen's Park > > playing marbles. > > You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BladeNoob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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Delivery in the office

So, workers at our office occasionally have their packages shipped to our work place. I think it's so that they have someone to sign off on them, or for security reasons. Either way, there were a couple IKEA packages dropped off today, and one of the admins wrote:

"We received 2 large IKEA boxes today. They do not have name on them. They are in the main hall near the front entry. Please pick up at your convenience. Please let me know who they belong to."

to which I replied all (bold, I know):

"Well I have no... IKEA."

(i'm only 24, going on 25. with no plan of kids for years, but i hope i did you guys proud)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kungpaoer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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An older co-worker said this to me and a couple of other co-workers earlier.

I was using an application at work called OnTime, but it kept crashing and wouldn't open on my computer.

I went to an office nearby where two of my co-workers sit to ask one of them to do me a favor and enter in something in OnTime for me. Our older co-worker is passing by and hears me say that OnTime isn't working for me. He says, "So now you're late everywhere?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuaereVerumm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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In line at the sandwich counter...

So I was in line at my college's sandwich shop. The man behind me was one of the workers in the school's small post office, and also happens to be my friend's dad. He laid down a pretty good dad joke.

Sandwich lady: Next? What kind of bread can I get for you? Me: Hi, thank you, I'll have a white wrap. Him: Oh, I'll give you a white rap, "Yo, yo, yo, beatbox noises"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/naptime03
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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