My dad died on 02/19/18, this joke came to me while signing paperwork at the funeral home...

What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catatonicpotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Paperwork.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msinf_738
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Where do hockey coaches do their paperwork?

Off ice!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/myutopian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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My dad was riffling through old paperwork when my mum came in and asked him:
  • What are you looking for?
  • Our marriage certificate.
  • Why?
  • I want to check the expiry date.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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I've been trying to get my name legally changed to Frieza, but there's so much paperwork!

I'm over 9000 documents in and this isn't even my final form!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J0k350nm3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My dog's medical paperwork...

My vet gave me my terrier's vaccination paperwork....her doguments?

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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My boss is very proud of his dental paperwork

My boss sent me an email with this screenshot, particularly proud of himself. I thought it belonged here.

http://imgur.com/UelSuiV

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Rogatory
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Melinda was going to sue Bill for not giving her the amount of money she wan entitled to

So Bill said: "A lawsuit? For real? You know I always windows"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omarkrimlyreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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So I'm a truck driver...

Whenever I have to sign for paperwork when picking up a load, occasionally I am asked to sign and date the bills. Whenever I'm asked to sign and date them I say "I can't date these, I'm married!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faultiergeist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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I took up origami for a while

It was too much paperwork

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I started an Origami business once

Gave it up though, too much paperwork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/liamo000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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There was a boy..

His name was Josh Buttlicker. Everyone used to make fun of him. On his 10th birthday his dad asked him what he wanted as a gift.

He said β€œI am so sick of everyone making fun of my name and I really want you to change it officially”.

Dad said β€œNo way! This is our family name, which represents our lineage, and I will never do it.”

He tried asking again on his 11, 12th up to his 17th birthday. But his dad denied his wish every time.

Finally on his 18th birthday, he told his dad β€œYou cannot do anything now. I am of legal age and it is my decision!!” He rushed to the court with a lawyer, and completed all the paperwork to change his name legally.

Then he came home, and his dad asked β€œwell, what is it?”

He said β€œDave Buttlicker”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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I hated my job as an origami teacher

Too much paperwork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I really love pooping...

... but I hate doing the paperwork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-The0Project-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.

Too much paperwork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.

I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know"

Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?"

"I'm adopted"

He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTeeBee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obimark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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Dad joked my boss today

I was given some paperwork to sign today. When I handed it back to my boss, she asked, "Can you date them?"

"That's a little forward. We just met, and they didn't really make a great first impression."

Pity laughter followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soyrobo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2015
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At the dentist this morning.

I filled out the paperwork for an exam, receptionist says "I'll call you shortly."

"Oh, no, I go by Michael"

It didn't seem to uplift her bad mood but I'm still chuckling about it.

I'm not really a dad by the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeriousMichael
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
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My dad said that he got divorced on the 4th of July.

He got the paperwork on the 2nd and waited to sign until the 4th because it's "Independence day"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squach509
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.

It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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[REQUEST] Help me name my TV show.

I'm in the process of getting a show on the local public access channel started. It's going to be a weekly recording studio session that showcases local bands. Most of the paperwork is done, I just need a snappy title. The best I can come up with is "The Here Canal," but I think /r/puns can do better!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wkuechen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2013
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My dad is a dad even in his sleep.

This evening I was sitting on the couch with my sister doing some paperwork and my dad sleeping next to me. I started playing a game on my phone which was making the movie hard to hear so my sister said "can you not?" And my dad replied from his slumber "no but I can tie" and returned to sleeping. I started laughing hysterically but my sister didn't get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0510521
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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When giving blood, always be honest....

My Dad and I went to donate for the Red Cross. They gave us the paperwork to fill out, and were getting ready to start collecting the blood.

The nurse asked a few of the last minute, "Must repeat this:" questions, and asked my Dad, "Have you ever paid anyone for sex."

Dad replied, "What do you think marriage is?"

The nurse laughed so hard, she had to get someone else put the IV in his arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadlandsMarshal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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The Tale of Stanley Shithead

Stanley Shithead was made fun of for his entire life. "Shithead, Shithead, Shithead", his peers in highscool would chant. "Hey Shithead, have you finished your paperwork?", his co-workers would tease.

Stanley had had enough of this. He was going to change his name once and for all!

"Here's your paycheck, Mr. Shithead"

"Please, call me Chris"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stampytheman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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I dadjoked my boss in the middle of a serious meeting.

I was sitting on the computer doing some sort of paperwork spreadsheet (I don't remember, this was last week) and my boss brings in four of my coworkers and starts talking about what needs to get done, when it needs to be done, and how it should be done because we're in crunch time. Everyone is serious-faced, including me.

He stops momentarily and rubs his ears, commenting how it hasn't stopped ringing since this morning.

Without missing a beat, I asked him why he hasn't answered it.

I guess it really was that serious because he just glanced at me and then kept talking, and everyone else just gave me the eye.

Felt fucking amazing though!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlausFenrir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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Dad joked my interviewer today.

So i went in for an interview at my local State college. It used to be a community college a few years ago. The job was for evaluating transcripts and archiving them. Anyway, I get offered the job, and of course a I accept. We were going over some procedural paperwork, I-9, W-4 you know that stuff.

He asks me my birthday, and I say June 24.

"What year?" "Every year."

He just stares at me with a bit of a disgruntled expression.

Yeah new boss, I'm going to be that guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smubii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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Vital signs

I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure? Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate? Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations? Him: 16, is that odd too? Me: No, that's even.

I found it hilarious.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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Getting p(irate)

What's a pirates favourite letter? R!!

What's a pirates second favourite letter?? C!!

What's a pirates least favourite letter??

Dear Mr Pirate, we regret to inform you that due to improper acquirement of docking paperwork your ship has been seized....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/optometris
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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Out dad'd by my dad.(true story via cellphone)
  • Me: Hello sir
  • Dad: Howdy - in the bathroom at the moment.
  • Me:Well hope everything comes out okay
  • Dad: Paperwork completed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maniacmachine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
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My dad handed me a toilet roll while saying this:

"No job is complete without the paperwork."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
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Yesterday I bought a bright green car...

As I was signing the paperwork, the dealer gave me a sheet about the lemon laws.

Dealer: This is to say you know about the lemon laws, so if the car turns out to be a lemon, you can get all your money back.

My dad: It's not a lemon, it's a lime.

Cue me in hysterics while the dealer gave us a very satisfying confused look.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unintendedchaos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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Is this a paradox?

My boss was shuffling through files and paperwork with a look of remorse. "I never get to see my kids," he uttered with a sigh. "because I don't have any."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurkingn00b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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So I told a horrible dad joke today...

I was at work and one of my associates had a green highlighter and was marking some things on her paperwork. I noticed she had gotten some on her thumb:

"Huh... I see you have a bit of a green thumb."

groan

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zerd85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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Guess I'm preparing for fatherhood really well...

I went with my girlfriend to fill out some paperwork for her new job, and for whatever reason (no idea why), the lady asks how we got in (I assume what set of doors we used). So here's how it went

Her: how'd you guys get in? Me: through the doors? Her: oh you're a smart one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronm109246
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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