No matter what pie contest I enter, I can never seem to win even if my pie is 100% beef and all natural

Why my cow pies never win is beyond me. A judge once said it was bullshit too

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👤︎ u/Kablaaw
📅︎ Sep 03 2021
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Did you hear about the no-armed man who entered the masturbation contest?

Poor guy didn’t come anywhere.

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📅︎ Apr 02 2021
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My wife and I have contests to see who can scream “NO!” louder, but she always wins.

She no’s better than me.

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📅︎ May 25 2021
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Pun Contest

I recently entered a pun contest on the Internet. Ripe with ideas, I entered nearly a dozen puns, certain that one of my entries would win, but…

no pun in ten did.

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📅︎ Jan 13 2023
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 3k
💬︎
👤︎ u/Bugasum
📅︎ Jun 10 2022
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Moderator: "Your word is 'Seaward'"

Spelling Bee Contestant: "C U N" Moderator: "Please no, Jesus STOP!"

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📅︎ Nov 09 2022
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Bull Pun Help

I’m in a contest for bonus points to come up with the best pun involving a bull/bulls. No swearing, please don’t disappoint me.

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📅︎ Sep 26 2021
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Pet store

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

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📅︎ Feb 09 2021
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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📅︎ Dec 10 2018
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A limerick I wrote

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that he would win

But alas no pun in ten did

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📅︎ Aug 02 2019
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Russian Puns

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.


Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters


What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?  It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s.


What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome?  Yukanol Fukov.


What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?  A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.


What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?  The bus and train timetables.


What is Communism?  The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.


What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin


What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia


What do you call a Lada on a hill?  A bloody miracle.


What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?  Put-it-in!


What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?  Electricity.


Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.


When was the first Russian election held?  The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, “Go ahead, choose your wife.”


Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics


I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.


America: Hey Ivan.. Russia: da.. America: what do you call a gassy Russian.. Russia: hoe don’t-.. America: Vladimir Tootin.. Russia: !   America: !!.. Russia: fuck you.


Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill.. Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.


So you want to tell me… Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?” We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?” We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don’t help to get rid of the other.”


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?” We’re answering: “At Lenin’s time, Ru

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 4
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👤︎ u/Punsville
📅︎ May 16 2017
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Baking Cheater

I once entered a baking contest, but am ashamed to admit I cheated. I entered the contest multiple times because I really wanted to win, but no bun in ten did.

Sorry if this is a repost, thought of it today.

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📅︎ Dec 09 2018
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Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college...

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupée!"

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👤︎ u/romulusnr
📅︎ Dec 18 2014
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Roommate got me while watching game shows

So my roommate and I were making breakfast and we were watching Deal or No Deal reruns. Howie Mandel was making troll comments toward the contestant, and my friend shouted, "Howie, shit up! This is not Howie do it!"

I had to leave the room.

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📅︎ Aug 10 2015
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Did you hear about the radio station that was having a pun contest?

The winner of this contest would receive a brand new Porsche, so a man got down to it and came up with the 10 best puns he could. He submitted the first, the second, and so on till he had entered them all in the contest. Alas none of his puns won the competition, no pun in ten did.

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📅︎ Jul 31 2013
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My dad watching Jeopardy

Watching Jeopardy with my mom and dad. A contestant incorrectly answers "What is Sqanto?" My dad's brilliant response, "No, its his twin brother Squinto. Get it? Because he had bad eye sight." My mom and I face palm while he laughs hysterically.

👍︎ 12
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👤︎ u/BirdnBear
📅︎ Nov 07 2013
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Wife got me today

She's trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, "If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day." She replied, "No, we don't want to turn this into a pissing contest."

👍︎ 823
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👤︎ u/cplhunter
📅︎ Feb 13 2017
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Pun contest

There was a man who entered a local newspaper pun contest. He sent in ten different puns the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

👍︎ 5
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👤︎ u/potodds
📅︎ Jan 29 2017
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It came to me as a dream

I was hanging out with some friends and ended up getting in a cartwheel contest. When I lost, the other guy told me "It's not in your genes." And it just come to me, like something out of a dream.

"No, my legs are in my jeans."

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📅︎ Oct 27 2014
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