Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied βScrew you!β
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
I canβt wait for New Years Eve
So on January 1st I can say βI guess hindsight is 2020!β
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My New year's resolution is to stop binge eating Xmas leftovers...
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Santa's adding another reindeer for a new look this year.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Why will people be sedated this new yearβs eve?
Because it will be 2020 24 hours to go.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Had a dream yesterday. It was year 2021, There was a new pandemic of stomach flu...
We all had to wear diapers and we quickly recognised that masks in 2020 were not that bad.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I just heard on the news, Adele has been sent to prison for 8 years
She was charged for setting fire to Lorraine
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︎ Nov 27 2020
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Frank: ...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer:
Goodyear?
Frank:
No, the worst.
(Courtesy of Naked Gun)
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︎ Sep 18 2020
After many years of designing, the government has released a new type of currency made out of herbs.
They spent a lot of thyme on it, but now it's mint.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.
Itβs considered to be a personal fowl.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Happy New Year's!
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Why do so many people have sex on New Years
To be ready for Labor Day!
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︎ Sep 03 2020
On the news: βnearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every yearβ
Me, to my wife: βthatβs stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!β
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︎ May 27 2020
What is the new name of American Idol this year?
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︎ Aug 06 2020
My new year's resolution is to stay alive
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︎ May 22 2020
Have you heard about the new game getting released? Itβs AI is 20 years ahead of itβs time, graphics are truly real life, an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible. Itβs called:
Go outside and ride your bike
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︎ Jun 25 2020
Most people donβt to their New Years resolution
Because they go in one year and out the other
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︎ Jul 09 2020
Instead of 'Happy New Year' I said 'good year' to my wife.
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︎ Jan 03 2020
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!
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︎ May 29 2020
I've finally decided on my 2018 New Years resolution
My 2018 New Years resolution is to stop postponing things.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Happy new year everyone π₯
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︎ Jan 01 2020
If you got a 4k TV for Christmas, your New Year's resolution is 3840 x 2160.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
The new year eve countdown has begun
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︎ Dec 31 2019
happy crystal clear new year
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︎ Jan 01 2020
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called βUβ. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Greek dadβs after New Years:
I havenβt seen you since last gyro!
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︎ Jan 21 2020
So my new year resolution for 2020....
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︎ Dec 29 2019
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery Iβve always wanted
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Ask me anything about the new year.
I can see it with perfect 20/20 vision
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︎ Jan 01 2020
So for New Years, I went to a bar and ordered chicken wings
Now let me tell you, they were so boney that I had a bone to pick with the manager (true story)
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︎ Jan 01 2020
What does the sun say to the earth every New Year's Day?
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︎ Jan 02 2020
Enough with the βIβll see you next yearβ jokes on New Yearβs!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Wanna know my New Year's Resolution?
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My 2020 New Year's resolution is to finish my 2019 resolution. My goal was to lose 10 lbs.
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︎ Jan 02 2020
Stop making awful new years jokes
Seriously, I've heard them for the entire decade so far.
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︎ Jan 02 2020
I was watching the new year countdown....
and I dropped my dang glasses, but when I looked up suddenly everything was 2020.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
I regret not staying up last night for New Years
But you know what they say hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My New year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
I'm planning on sticking to it.
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︎ Dec 31 2019
My new year's resolution is the same for 2020 as it was in 2019
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︎ Dec 30 2019
My New Years resolution this year is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
Iβm planning on sticking to it.
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︎ Nov 18 2019
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