I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...
Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.
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︎ May 20 2021
My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...
She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: βwhatβs his name?β
Me: βThe shelter told me his name is Tobyβ
Her: βWell, what does he think his name is?β
Me: β........ Kunte Kinteβ
She didnβt get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
So with the new iPhone 13βs coming out this year they decided to change the charger name
Itβs now called Apple Juice
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︎ Apr 25 2021
I named my dog "Happy New Year"
when I call him in every night, the neighbors think I've lost my mind
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︎ Feb 10 2021
My New Yearβs resolution for 2021.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My Father will be releasing a new brand of giant breath mints later this year. He said it will be named after his children!
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︎ Mar 26 2021
my new years resolution is
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︎ Jan 01 2021
What was your new years resolution?
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
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︎ Jan 03 2021
What's your new years resolution?
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︎ Feb 24 2021
What are your resolution going to be for the new year?
Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Happy Lunar New Year 2021
Hopefully good health and prosperity aren't too much to "ox" for.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties
It goes in one year and out the other.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Happy New Year
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, Iβm going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied βScrew you!β
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
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︎ Dec 21 2020
New Year's Resolution
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.
Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
We canβt celebrate New Years because then...
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My new years resolution
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My New Years resolution is to finally get in shape.
Round... possibly pear... I havenβt decided yet.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I found it easier to follow my new year's resolution after I misspelled it.
I am now on a no-crab diet
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What's the best New Year's resolution?
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve
He certainly has plenty of experience
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I canβt wait for New Years Eve
So on January 1st I can say βI guess hindsight is 2020!β
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Where did the keys on a computer keyboard went to celebrate new years eve
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Its almost the new year.
Hopefully 2021 would be better than last year, but at least we can say hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I fell asleep before New Years
Then Woke up in another year
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Starting the new year on the toilet, posting this...
I guess you could say it's a crappy start
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My New year's resolution is to stop binge eating Xmas leftovers...
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Happy new year!
Hindsight's finally 2020!
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I always get so nervous about the new year.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Happy New Year's!
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My New Years Resolution
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I have a new year resolution
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︎ Jan 03 2021
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