I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...

Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippyGoods
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...

She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.

The lady at the vet: β€œwhat’s his name?”

Me: β€œThe shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: β€œWell, what does he think his name is?”

Me: β€œ........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
So with the new iPhone 13’s coming out this year they decided to change the charger name

It’s now called Apple Juice

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I named my dog "Happy New Year"

when I call him in every night, the neighbors think I've lost my mind

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChangeNew389
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My New Year’s resolution for 2021.

Stop procrastinating.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My Father will be releasing a new brand of giant breath mints later this year. He said it will be named after his children!

"Huge Disapoint Mints!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchygreymatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
my new years resolution is

1280 x 768

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickolelele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What was your new years resolution?

Mine was 720p

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Split
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What's your new years resolution?

Mine's 1920x1080

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UpstairsSwimmer69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What are your resolution going to be for the new year?

Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliveOcelot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Happy Lunar New Year 2021

Hopefully good health and prosperity aren't too much to "ox" for.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ixfd64
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties

It goes in one year and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yuzhesu03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied β€œScrew you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
New Year's Resolution
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrammerTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.

Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night

I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/localgasgiant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:

You must be a Simpson then.

πŸ‘︎ 478
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HosfordHusky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
We can’t celebrate New Years because then...

2021

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thr0wAway4M3sh3ll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My new years resolution

Its 1080 p

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullOrSumthing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Years resolution is to finally get in shape.

Round... possibly pear... I haven’t decided yet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

πŸ‘︎ 542
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I found it easier to follow my new year's resolution after I misspelled it.

I am now on a no-crab diet

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObviouslySyrca
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve

He certainly has plenty of experience

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DigThisMyBrother
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.

If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhaenSyth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Day one: happy new year everyone

Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.

They're always dropping the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...

tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t wait for New Years Eve

So on January 1st I can say β€œI guess hindsight is 2020!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the keys on a computer keyboard went to celebrate new years eve

To the space bar !!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DumbA5h
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Its almost the new year.

Hopefully 2021 would be better than last year, but at least we can say hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albiedam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep before New Years

Then Woke up in another year

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wienerbuttnipple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Starting the new year on the toilet, posting this...

I guess you could say it's a crappy start

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAtlasComplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution

1080P

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My New year's resolution is to stop binge eating Xmas leftovers...

I'm going to quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasthetanker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy new year!

Hindsight's finally 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0nf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I always get so nervous about the new year.

Good auld Lang-siety

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ymay-editray
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year's!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damiansouthpaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Years Resolution

2560x1440

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silver4ura
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a new year resolution

720p

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DRZBYC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report

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