by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
Because they always get lost at C.
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
They prefer carrion
But nothing tops a cheese pizza.
but I've had a few near Mrs.
because I live in Canada.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
An Astro-not.
Love means nothing to them.
He was a private tutor.
Because they are so good at it.
You should of seen her face when I drove Pasta.
They can be buggy
Because its P is silent.
He must have had some sort of loco motive..
Because they have two shifts.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
Now I have a stable connection.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡It usually has second hand information
That’s right!
.... Everyone.
It's a rare medium, well-done
Because it’s cancer
You could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.
Because they're that good
Because he's got a Black Belt!
Because possession is 9/10ths of the law.
I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.
There's no place like home for the hollandaise.
Just stay in the living room.
You’re just making a bad situation verse!
Sediment always settles
rick ash-tree
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major
Because they would have to install Windows on it
They always take things, literally.
But I’ve had a few near Mrs.
Because they'll just go over everyone's head
