The last one was too possessive.
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
The instructions said " remove cap and push up bottom"
I can hardly walk.
They just take the money and run.
“I have split personality” said Tom being Frank.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
It’s a soar subject.
I'll never drink indoors again. I almost gave my wife phone saying "Save your number i will call you tomorrow"
They were just made to be broken
(My brother who is a new father and newly enlisted solider told me this today)
Guess who just came crawling back?
That place gives me the crepes
Why do they want to know where I got it from? Or why it's in bucket?
It was a waist of thyme.
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
He said that if I did, there will be repercussions.
He's transparent.
Old people will remember "Carnation" instant milk (powered milk). I got to thinking that if you added water to Carnation milk, then let it evaporate back to a powder,... then add water again it would be "ReinCarnation!"
[Yes, I'm a dad, so I'm fully licensed for such humor]
He said it was no pun.
"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
Dad: Less talking and more pulling, son!
I wasn't surprised.
because they'd be transparent.
They keep yelling from the back seat —- “Were we there already?”
I can’t tell you how upset I am...
Celebrating my brother's birthday with a pizza party. Jokes were already starting about how much pizza I had eaten that night when my dad decided to change the subject and share a story about how he learned to speak Portuguese. Then I said, "I'm fluent in morepizzaplease."
Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine.
raise my hand
Me: where are these ones from?
Instructor: Those three are from California.
Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes?
Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again.
"Your services are no longer required!"
After I let one rip with moderate force, my dad responded by bellowing out (in a crowded restaurant) "SPEAK ON SWEET LIPS THAT NEVER TOLD A LIE!". I turned a lovely shade of puce, and made every effort to show that I had never seen this strange man before.
I ask him why and he responds "haunted French pancakes give me the crepes"
The refrigerator
In department store in section with a bunch of pasta strainers
Attractive young female clerk walks up
Clerk: "Are you finding everything alright?"
Dad gets smirk on face and picks up nearest strainer
Dad: "Well I was looking for your bowls, but all of these have holes in them"
I walk away in shame
