The last one was too possessive.
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
The instructions said " remove cap and push up bottom"
I can hardly walk.
“I have split personality” said Tom being Frank.
They just take the money and run.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
I'll never drink indoors again. I almost gave my wife phone saying "Save your number i will call you tomorrow"
It’s a soar subject.
They were just made to be broken
(My brother who is a new father and newly enlisted solider told me this today)
Guess who just came crawling back?
That place gives me the crepes
Why do they want to know where I got it from? Or why it's in bucket?
It was a waist of thyme.
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
He said that if I did, there will be repercussions.
He's transparent.
Old people will remember "Carnation" instant milk (powered milk). I got to thinking that if you added water to Carnation milk, then let it evaporate back to a powder,... then add water again it would be "ReinCarnation!"
[Yes, I'm a dad, so I'm fully licensed for such humor]
He said it was no pun.
"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
Dad: Less talking and more pulling, son!
I wasn't surprised.
because they'd be transparent.
They keep yelling from the back seat —- “Were we there already?”
I can’t tell you how upset I am...
Celebrating my brother's birthday with a pizza party. Jokes were already starting about how much pizza I had eaten that night when my dad decided to change the subject and share a story about how he learned to speak Portuguese. Then I said, "I'm fluent in morepizzaplease."
Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine.
raise my hand
Me: where are these ones from?
Instructor: Those three are from California.
Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes?
Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again.
"Your services are no longer required!"
After I let one rip with moderate force, my dad responded by bellowing out (in a crowded restaurant) "SPEAK ON SWEET LIPS THAT NEVER TOLD A LIE!". I turned a lovely shade of puce, and made every effort to show that I had never seen this strange man before.
I ask him why and he responds "haunted French pancakes give me the crepes"
The refrigerator
In department store in section with a bunch of pasta strainers
Attractive young female clerk walks up
Clerk: "Are you finding everything alright?"
Dad gets smirk on face and picks up nearest strainer
Dad: "Well I was looking for your bowls, but all of these have holes in them"
I walk away in shame
