Nastiness Puns

Fucking expensive, those things.

I better not tell you, it might spread.

Cz 7 8 9.

But why was 10 afraid?

Because he's in between 9 11

Amino Acid

I said it tasted like devil carbonate :D

The itchy bitchy spider

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

I found my sole fishing in the mountains I just want you to have it.

OOC. He brought the shoe sole 1500 miles just to tell me this dad joke

"You discussed me!"

The current version has a nasty virus

When you notice one you wonder “who let this one out”

It's E Vil

And I thought to myself “that was a little condescending”

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, “Well, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

But then I got it dry cleaned.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

They're so polarized.

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

Username checks out.

“Because you’re ugly.”

"It's good that you have all wheel drive. And you've got snow tires."

"Actually, they're made of rubber."

100%, actually happened, last Sunday night.

Rasta Wayne

"...that's why they call them fowl."

My speech teacher just laid this one on us.

We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some Pokémon evolve into different Pokémon based on how you raise them.

For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little Pokémon called pissed-at-chu!!

Anticipating nasty tweets.

Me: Is it feet?

She's never amused. It's usually a small pebble or a piece of tree bark or something.

Not screaming and yelling like the other people in the car with him.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

“Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

They do not have Windows. No wonder people gave me a nasty look, iStunk.

She had a nasty habit

My three + 1/2 year old came home from childcare with this gem.

Knock knock - who's there - I smell mop - I smell mop who (say it aloud)...

Wendy's

I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.

Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.

We still laugh about that one

A young lady had a problem because this other gal looked almost exactly like her, but had a nasty vocabulary. Nobody wanted to be around her anymore because the foul-mouthed girl really harmed her reputation.

So the lady in question decided to push the foul-mouthed look-alike off of the top roof of the Empire State Building. However, after doing this, she was soon arrested. Guess what she was charged with?

Making an obscene clone fall.

The doctor says, "that looks nasty" the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

I told him his habits are nasty.

Ever since then I’ve had a nasty limp

Thanks in advance. :) lol

Dad: Take my advice ...

...I'm not using it ———————————————

Every time my step Dad comes up with a foolproof solution..

along comes a more-talented fool

..dad

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When I married Ms. Right...

I had no idea her first name was Always.

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My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test

The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

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He who laughs last

...thinks slowest.

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Women sometimes make fools of men

...but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

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I was going to give her the nasty look

..but she already had one.

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Change is inevitable

...except from a vending machine.

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The grass may be greener on the other side

...but at least you don't have to mow it.

• [ ]

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???