There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.

It's called,Cash in the Addict.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossco1874
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I don't know how much money an assassin makes...

but I bet they make a killing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroUnit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My friend works as a clown and doesn't earn much money so he spends every cent carefully.

He goes by Pennywise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CR33PYUNC13J03
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I once asked someone how they made so much money in the restaurant industry.

He said that he stopped forking around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTVMixmix00
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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How much money does Scrooge McDuck have?

A duckton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blisspoint2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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My wife tells me I’ve spent too much money on mirrors.

I guess it’s time for some self-reflection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeafbadger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I asked my fisherman friend, β€œHow much money do you make for your catch?”

He said, β€œI don’t discuss my .....net worth.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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People only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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I paid off my new limousine up front, but now I can't afford to hire a driver. So much money spent.

And nothing to chauffeur it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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How much money do professional ice skaters make in a year?

Eight figures but unfortunately they can't access it because their accounts are frozen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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I don’t understand why my wife spends so much money on shampoo...

It’s not even real poo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/51mp50n
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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How much money is inside the ATM?

80M

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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I haven't had much luck dating recently so I decided to start a new hobby; painting money I get from the bank.

I'm going to dye a loan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrChimp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I didn’t have much money to buy a new costume so I cut off 40% of my boobs.

Boo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nodripxx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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How much money does an ATM hold?

80 M

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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I saw a strange picket line on the way home today. The workers were carrying signs saying "WE MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY”

Then I noticed they were outside the mint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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Why does Billie Eilish have so much money?

Because shes a Billie-naire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/z233444
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Genie: You have one wish. Me: How much money does Jeff Bezos have?

Genie: Not sure exactly.

Me: Give me a ballpark figure.

...Now I’m the size of Yankee stadium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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Don't waste too much money on food.

That investment always turns to shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
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I figured out why human eggs go for so much money on Craigslist.

It's like they always say, sex cells.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caghain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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Did you hear about how much money the actor in Star Wars is getting paid to play Kylo Ren?

I heard he's making sith figures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-tigers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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How much money does an ATM hold?

80 M

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninoboy09
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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Women usually call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me poor and ugly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeohh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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