“I screwed up!”
Take your time.
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
They always make me throw up
Mount Rushmore
He said its beauty was unpresidented
When people meet him, they just find Himalayan there
This is snow joke.
I said, “that would be off the chain.”
... it’s natural beauty was unpresidented.
"Is it to scale? " "No,just to look at! "
But it was at its peak in the 80s.
Stolen and butchered from https://xkcd.com/2308: Title text was “It's a good mountain but it really peaked in the 80s.”
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know... stuff."
The artist forgot to plan ahead.
The best American Presidents were stoned.
He was lion.
But there are no leads.
Now there's a tiring job.
I told him I miter saw who it was...
I said "Wow! To scale?"
He said "No, just to look at"
Clipity cops
>!had to put the punch line on the title!<
In the end, I’m not sure whether he made it up.
The steaks couldn't be any higher
So I took a trip to Mount Everest
It's all been downhill from that.
There were 4 witnesses, but no one is saying anything. They're all stone-faced.
“What’s all this for?” he asked...
“Well” I replied, “I’ve heard that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself”.
Mountain Jew
...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."
Popeye punched him
I guess it’s all downhill from here
I thought a laser would be light.
The four fathers of America. And they're forefathers. I can't believe this wasn't intentional.
The Cleverest!
(My daughter came up with this one, I'm so proud!)
So yall know this japanese volcano called fuji? Well, turns out that recently a new volcano appeared behind a mount fuji. Scientists say that this new volcano wandered under the earth crusts and that its place of origin was somewhere in mexico.
They called this new volcano a mount Refuji.
He had the highest Stan turds.
Mount Rushmore.
Mount Rushmore.
My Dad went inside the old outhouse and said "It says here, for a good time call Martha!" at which point he stepped outside the door, put his hands up to his mouth and called "MAAARTHAAA!!!"
To me at age 10, this was the funniest thing he ever said.
Mount Cleverest
Yesterday he scaled Mount Everest.
I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen.
I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards.
From behind me, I heard my wife say, "How's it going?"
Me: "Well, it's shellfish."
Wife: "It's what?"
Me: "Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish."
At least my daughter thought it was funny.
Was headed home from work to wall mount my TV, wanted to swing by my parents to get my dads stud finder. His reply is priceless.
Japan's emporer.
Deposed atop mount fuji.
That was a high coup.
My Dad and I were in a restaurant when he pointed to an aeroplane propellor mounted on the wall.
Dad: Do you think it's real?
Me: The propellor? Of course!
Dad: Oh, I thought it was just a prop.
I was visiting the museum with a friend, when he jokingly asked the staff what they feed the mounted animals.
"I don't know what it is they eat," I said, "but they definitely eat a lot of it. You can tell, because they're stuffed."
Driving along with my dad in his land rover.
He turns to me and says: "Do you want to go off road?" "Yes" I reply
Dad proceeds to mount the grassy verge with one wheel for about 3 seconds before returning to the road. Dad laughs manically for about 5 minutes.
We're walking into Home Depot or Lowe's sometime in November 2007. For whatever reason (probably $) this store had displayed their Christmas trees by tying a rope around the trunk a few strong branches down from the top and hanging them to normal level from the rafters instead of mounting them in some sort of water. My dad makes some comment about this "Oh, look, they hung the trees."
Without thinking or even realizing what I'm about to say, I respond: "They must have committed High Treason."
Mount Neverest
So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.
"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "
Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.
Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.
Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.
But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.
Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."
(while christmas shopping at the mall)
Me: "Did you hear the military is developing a new rocket launcher that mounts on soldier's feet?"
Her: "No. Really?"
Me: "Yep, they're calling it the missile toe."
Her: "I hate you."
What's the only rock group that doesn't sing? ..... Mount Rushmore
Brother: Dad what are you doing?
Dad: Trying to figure out how to mount the tv.
Brother: You're gonna mount the tv?
Dad: Yeah right in front of everyone
Mom- We're going to Rome, then we're going to Greece and we're going to Mount Olympus.
Me- Where are you roaming to? What are you greasing? And I don't think its safe to mount Olympus.
(Me and co-worker discussing him moving into my apartment complex this weekend)
Me: Well are you sure you can mount a TV on it? One of the largest walls in my living room is poured in place concrete. Can't hang anything on it.
Him: Yea i checked its a stud wall. I just need to go out and get a stud finder.
Me: Just come over and borrow mine if you'd like.
Him: Actually I should probably just use [my wife], she's pretty good at finding studs.
queue: groans from myself and all surrounding co-workers
As I hand it to my nan,
Nan: oh its mounted!
Grandad: I see no horse?
Its natural beauty was unpresidented
Unpresidented.
Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore
It's all downhill from there.
Dad: "Who is Rushmore?"
Mount Rushmore.
Mount Rushmore.
Mount rushmore
Mount Rushmore.
Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore.
Mount Rushmore
(courtesy of a text from my dad)
