Mortician walks into a bar and asks for a stiff one...

Bartender says: "he's in booth six"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darksilverjesse
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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I was going to become a mortician, until someone told me it was a dying field.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misc_fame
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What do you say to a nervous mortician?

Keep calm and carrion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WenDMegs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My mortician friend had to put gates up all around his mortuary...

People were dying to get in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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If you want to be the best mortician...

you're going to face stiff competition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ja-mez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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whats a morticians favorite element?

barium

okbye

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jennerzerz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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If a mortician and a snake get married, what will their towels say?

Hiss and Hearse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCubed111
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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What's a Mortician's favorite candy?

Hearse-y Bar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elvezisdead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I was sad they didn't offer mortician degrees in colleges anymore

When I asked why, they said.

"It's a dying trade".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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What's a mortician's favorite game?

Formaldehyde and seek.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazy-aubergine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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In my life I've been a maintenance mechanic, a make-up artist, a media director, a mender, a metre inspector, a microcomputer support specialist, a mill helper, a mirror installer, a music librarian and a mortician investigator.

That's my Mployment record.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Why did the corn want to become a Mortician?

It was interested in the ma-cob.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Italian_Frog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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What do you call a mortician’s mistake?

An β€œembalmanation”.

Yeah, I know. But it made my daughter laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moffitar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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What would you call a mortician near an intersection?

A street coroner!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L337Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
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I should have become a mortician.

I could have made a killing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I never want to be a mortician...

It's too grave an undertaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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Dadjoked my mortician friend on the golf course.

He was talking about the busyness of his funeral home compared to others around the area to which I retorted, 'Well man you know what they say about the funeral business, people are just dying to get in there!'... He didn't laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajones321
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I recently read an article about how a woman was killed by a falling bookcase.

Morticians say that she only had her shelf to blame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilentTempestLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?

The hip Doctor!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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A Family Friend

As family friend of ours has not been able to make it to various activities because he is a mortician and keeps getting called into work, when discussing this my very nonchalantly says: "we shouldn't feel too bad for him. Besides, people are dying to see him..."

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarbleecookie13
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
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Mr. Franklin is the last person that would let you down.

He's a mortician.

I love my Granddaddy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dforderp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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