Mitsvah Puns

So me and /u/DerErlenkonig were having a conversation of the newly assimilated Jewish faith until the Icelandic Empire and what does that mean for their culture.

I figure that the appropriation of Jewish customs, like the Bar Mitzvah into Viking tradition would be a coming of age ceremony for the person involved, but how would they interpret this?

I believe that this would result in a long schooling in the Icelandic interpretation of the Torah. After many years of a Viking-Jewish education, the child would be ready to become an adult through their Bar Mitzvah. But a Viking Bar Mitzvah without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair, and it is not the family that sets up the celebrations for the coming-of-age, but the logistics. The family work together to establish a longship (or a few, depending on affluence) that will be captained by the child in question. This learned, proud Viking child must take the ships and lead a raid on the mainland. The raid will be of a mainland Bar Mitzvah that is of the weaker Jews of little faith compared to the strong Icelandic version. The celebration must be raided, and the wealth plundered from the ceremony. Then, the child has proven his worth as an adult, studied in the ways of Judaism, and proven in the ways of a viking.

Some sects encourage or the taking of a wife (or husband) from the plundered ceremony for a complete Bar Mitzvah, but this debated upon by the devout on the isles, and the representatives in Rekjavik whom are often found debating the catholic representatives from Vinland over the value of any such tradition at all.

Bar/Bat Mitzvahs were my first craziest parties I ever attended, and will always be in the top 20 fecked up shindigs until the day my ass dies. And I'm Irish/Italian ( this clearly raised Catholic) and have partied with mafia people, Mexican cartels, Marines, biker gangs and stippers on Xtasy. I've been knocked out at punk Rock shows when accidently hot in the head with a human head that was fighting with another person passed my peripherals... I've drank with the Tossers back stage on St. Paddy's. I've had shotguns put in my face as some drunk threatened to kill me because he mistook me for someone else.... I've gone sledding with one of the Beastie boys coked out of my mind. I've had more fun and drama than most lives can hold.... But Bat/Bar Mitzvahs will always hold a special place in my heart I will never forget.

I am a non-practicing Catholic, but this was my first time in a Jewish temple. It was a fun and interesting learning experience for me, but I left with more questions that I had answers.

Some questions I have...

1. The girl whose bat mitsvah it was read aloud from the Torah for the first time. Why is this a big deal? Can't you just go into any book store and pick up a Torah and read it aloud?

2. At the front of the temple were two large stones with Hebrew writing on them. What was written on them? (I guessed the 10 commandments, but my wife doesn't think so.)

3. They kept talking about the Arc of the Covenant. I know this is something I've heard about in Christian churches too, but I don't have a clue what it is. My best guess: It's the big cabinet in the front of the temple where they keep the Torah scrolls.

4. There were three people performing the ceremony. One was the rabbi. The other two were women who sang a lot. What is the role/job of the women? Are they like rabbi assistants?

5. At the end of the ceremony the family at the front ofthe temple had grape juice and some kind of bread. It reminded me Communion in a Catholic church. What does that symbolize in Judaism?

6. They handed me a book to follow along in. It was backwards. The cover was on the back. The back was on the front. And you turn the pages from left to right. What was the book and why was it backwards?

7. We were in a temple, but the Rabbi told a story about a Tabernacle. What's the difference between a Temple and a Tabernacle?

8. Last question - People told me I'd have to wear a yarmulke. However, when I went in, I didn't notice any such requirement. I saw that only a few old men had them on. 90% of the men did not. What's the rule for yarmulkes?

I enjoyed my first experience in a Jewish temple and I am curious to learn more. Thanks in advance for your replies.

edit: spelling and grammar

edit 2: fixed speling of yarmulke

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Rick and morty x dr Doofensmirtz

Scene Professor times building recently renamed for branding purposes

Dr d can be seen working on an instor

Rick and morty: * step out of a portal

Morty: “ what the fuck did you do Rick “

Rick: “I didn’t do anything morty you should know this by now , everyone else is simply a idiot who hates me for being the only none idiot In existence “

Morty” If that’s the case then Why is there an army of us at our house “

Rick: “ listen morty that’s not what’s important right now “

Dr d : “uhm Yoo-hoo hello the guy who’s building you jsut broke into here “

Morty: “ohh and breaking into a pharmacy is “

Dr d: “again with the pharmacist stick why does everyone think that it’s always a pharmacist never a doctor or a paleontologist no always a pharmacist”

Morty: “ shut up before I shut you up myself your voice sounds like dieing kittens “

Rick: “ morty calm down this is the man who’s gonna get us out of this mess “

Morty: “ you better be right about this Rick “

Dr d: “ hey wait a second I remember you we met at my cousin Jeff’s bar mitzvah “

Morty : that’s all Rick some guy you met at a a bar mitzvah who even invited you to a bar mitsvah you don’t have friends “

Rick: “ shut up morty you little shit”

Dr d: is he always like that

Rick: “ yes he’s always a little shit”

Dr d: “ you really don’t get along do you “

Rick : “ listen doof I have a situation I’m being chased by a evil compote givernment of me they’ve covered practically every lab in existence besides yours

Becuase your a imbacle “

Dr d: “ rude you know if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say it at all “

Morty: listen old man we’ve had a long day ethier you are gonna help us get out of this
Mess where in or I’m gonna throw you off that fucking balcony “

Dr d : wow you are a violent violent child “ Dr d: well I was working on a HIDE FROM THE GOVERNMENTINATOR ( music plays )

You see I uhm kinda spent all my allamony and well now I don’t have the money for my taxes so I built this to hide for a week until I got my next check “

Rick : “ that will work “ takes a swig from his flask

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.