If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
“This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.”
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
“Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
“NO honey it really works watch!”
“Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
“WAIT Honey, one more time, please!”
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
“CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
One man gets in a car accident every minute in London
Understandably, he's livid!
It took me 20 minutes to find the mollusk in my fish tank
It was very well clamoflaged
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself
My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.
He replied with ‘I’m not sure but I swear I’ve seen it before’
He’s now pissing himself laughing and mam doesn’t get it
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
1 minute when she turns 62
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
I give myself 30 minutes in my daily schedule to do abs.
I call that time period Crunch Time.
Why does the minute hate running marathons?
No matter how fast it runs, it's always 60 second...
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
The meeting was at 8 and I was 10 minutes late, so I couldn't 8:10 the meeting.
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
3 men were on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them.
One threw the fourth overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
What do you call 60 minutes of pain?
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died.
His funeral will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's very time consuming.
Had an appointment canceled last minute, but I'm not angry
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He’s now a seasoned veteran
This just happened 5 minutes ago.
Son: daddy?
Me: yes?
Son: yes?
Me: are you copying me?
Son: are you copying me?
Me: Starbucks
Son: Starbucks
Me: are you coffee-ing me?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.
The difference is staggering.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
