I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
100% effective method to not go to jail
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapaPump6969
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Have you seen the movie about production methods of boats, planes, and bridges in the 20th century?

I can't remember the name but it's riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Did you hear about the pro wrestler who came up with a method to remove hemorrhoids by hammering them?

He called it the Pile Driver.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Dating between carbon descendants
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dattara
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Interesting rating method
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a witch's favorite method of writing

Cursive

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikuSama39
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Darth Vader has some interesting methods for disciplining his Children.

They're all very hands-off.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanObi
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed

But I just made it up as I went along.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A method of trans-portation
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benneb10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is a method of self defense, while judo is what bagels are made from.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarletnumberzz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What is a musician's favorite method of transportation?

Debussy

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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What is Harry Potter's preferred method of getting down a hill? ... duh, walking

...J.K. ROLLING!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__pure
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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The churches in Las Vegas

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.

He just couldn't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Some parents go quite far with their methods...

But some go even father

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Green4Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away

They always resort to straw man arguments

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a meal, with parts from every culture, using traditional Chinese methods

It was from all Woks of Life

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrequelsAMIRIGHT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how I use my debit card

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Wow.. new method for Tanning
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rouchi_43de
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you eat oysters with Method Man?

Because Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to shuck with

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giraffe_Racer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I had to decide on what method I wanted to use in my house to get to the second floor. The options were stairs or a vertical climbing apparatus

I chose the ladder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WispOG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Karen press Shift-Control-Escape on her PC?

She wanted to see the Task Manager.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.

I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
His methods are unconventional, but effective. I stand corrected.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A method actor who takes a role of a drug addict is a Meth O.D. actor
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My mom was working in the kitchen, and she accidentally broke some tiles

And my dad said, "I told you that method would be fewtile"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawt_SPICY
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
At the university, I learned various methods for extracting honey.

I have a Bee Tech degree.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I had to attend a seminar on various drilling methods.

Boring!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
How do the fish police question suspects?

They use the good carp, bad carp method.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The guilloutine is apparently a relatively painless method of execution.

Heads will roll if word of this gets around.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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If there is a country that has rollercoasters as the main method of transportation, what is it called?

Coaster Rica

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coh_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the author Harry Potter's favorite method of transportation?

Walking.

JK Rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RowsingBreddit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I were making macaroni and cheese today. Before showing her my method of re-packaging the Velveeta, I said to her...

Don’t worry, I’ve been around the block a few times in my day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbdakotam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between soda and pop?

One is a carbonated beverage. The other is a method of bursting bubbles.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Give me music puns!

I bought some guitar picks for my partner's belated bday and I want to have some musical puns engraved on them. I don't know enough about music to do a good job. I need puns that play on musical theory or musical notes, method, whatever... Anything that's more clever than "I pick you", which I think is cute but also underwhelming. These are guitar picks though, so short and simple are best. NSFW acceptable. PLE ASE HALP!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/og_cosmosis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Studying for bio and asked my dad about the four methods of gene transfer...

"You go to the mall - that's one. The second method is you drop off a load of donations at Salvation Army. Third: you're picked up by a backhoe and transported to a pool of radioactive material in the middle of the garbage dump and your jeans are magically transferred off of you as you disintegrate. And the fourth? By policemen carrying out a court order in a maximum security prison."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GimpyBallerina
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently took a poll.

And found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeminiImpact
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
This One was Said in my Choral Methods Class Today

When talking about a former student throwing batteries at her, my teacher told us the student was later arrested for the incident "and charged with... you guessed it assault and BATTERY!!!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gayjewtrombone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Recipe: Bread 'n' Pullit

Ingredients

Bread

Method

Pull it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshymint
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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