FedUp.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
But Bill kept the Windows
Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
An assassin
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
They would be alloys.
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
A pool table.
..they make me feel even number.
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Hailing Taxis
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
I’ll let you know.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
A Storm Trooper!
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Yeah, and only a fraction of you will find this funny.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
I won't lie, it was a rocky road.
They are both Paris sites
That's what I do when I'm Russian
And then you will all be sorry.
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
Light blue.
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
... and as you can see, they were Wright
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
They said it was grounds for termination.
