You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
I was just expecting a shingle pallet
£150
Her - Knock knock!
Me - Who's there?
Her - Hungry!
Me - Hungry who?
Her - Hi hungry, I'm dad!
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
I had stage freight.
"inside" jokes!
It was felt.
Plaguerize
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
But I’m out of material.
So thats a turnip for the books.
But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas
Not once has anyone laughed at one of these jokes when I have told them. Way to keep the spirit of dadjokes alive by putting groans before laughter!
A square dance
They're always getting laid.
His opinion was suede
The course covered everything.
Short
that two out of three pigs use inferior building materials.
That's why Jesus is a carpenter
It bathes in its own blood
Can you guys put dad jokes in the comments I need material for my friends to make them not like me alot more (I'm basically the dad in our group of friends, mostly the mom)
Like a match made in heaven.
SILLYcone
Check it out now, foot, sole, rubber.
Porkelain
There have only been a few "Is this sub still active? There haven't been any new posts all year" posts all year.
What an ex-chitin time we live in
Wooden you like to know!
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
fruitrients?
I call it SoCal commentary.
Are they biodeGAYdable material?
My issue is that any time I come up with good material, I wear it.
They're simply aggregreat.
I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**
... keep reading on reddit ➡You can make literally anything from it.
Because each episode has so many bros and cons.
One might say I'm a little stressed.
To decrease the materials being used.
Mike Rowe Fibers.
So today in my physiology lecture we were talking about muscles and we touched on connective tissue and our prof said something about "broad bands of connective tissue" and I turned to my friend next to me and go "If there's broad bands of connective tissue do you think there's Wi-Fi of connective tissue?". He just sighed and told me he was going to punch me before going back to writing his notes with a look of pure hatred on his face.
(I tried to contain my laughter to his reaction and ended up snorting really loudly like a minute later when I heard him snicker)
One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere. He yells to his friend, "watch out! It's not a bacon tree. It's a hambush!"
*Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material.
My daughter read one book on comedy and wanted to try stand up , knowing the quality of her material I of course said yes!
The cashier asked me, "are you going to put this on your Home Depot Card?"
"Nah, I'm going to put it on my chicken coop."
Wife, upon hearing it: "Nice one, 'John' (deceased father's name, not mine...I learned from the master).
"Hey son, have you ever seen Stevie Wonder play with Paul McCartney?" "No, Dad" "Neither has he!"
For clarification, Forest Hill is an elementery school in our town.
Anyway, we were driving to go get pho, and I was joking about his sister getting kidnapped because she's on a trip to China.
Him: Oh! Speaking of kidnapping, did you hear about the kidnapping at Forest Hill?
Me: No?! When did that happen?!
Him: It's okay, he woke up.
He kept chuckling pridefully to himself that he came up with that joke for a good ten mintutes.
but I'm slowly getting over them
[We have just finished our meal]
Waiter/Waitress: Is there anything else I can get you?
Dad: Nope, that will be all, thanks.
[Waiter/Waitress hands us the bill]
Dad: I said I didn't want anything else...
Q: When is it time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.
On vacation in Cape May in New Jersey, and there is a bar called the Rusty Nail. Conversation went like this: Me: "Oh look the Rusty Nail" Dad: "Yeah let's go get HAMMERED at the Rusty Nail!" Heard the sighs from inside the bar.
They ran out of material
I work as a special education teacher. I'll admit to not being a dad, but I hope I'm well on my way.
Aide: "I'm so excited (note sarcasm). I get to visit my in-laws in Missouri over winter break."
Teacherdad: I hear there are a lot of people visiting Missouri these days.
Student: "Why?"
Teacherdad: ...Missouri loves company.
This might sound a bit weird, since this discussion was in Finnish and I apparently wasn't clear enough. My SO was leaving my place for work and we were saying goodbye, with some standard goodbye-fondling. It was time for him to leave for the bus and this discussion was had.
Me (declaratively): Time to put it in (the) pants. ("Laitahan se housuihin.")
...
Me: YOUR pants! ("SUN housuihin!")
Student: "Can I go to the bathroom and get a drink?"
Teacherdad: "Gross. Just go to the water fountain."
Sofa so good.
(I’m about to be a dad so I’m practicing my dad material)
ME: Let me just use the bathroom before I hit the road
BF: Don't hit the road, what did it ever do to you?
rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<
>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<
http://imgur.com/a/IXCKw
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡The husband suggested composite materials. Meanwhile the wife took him for granite
He told me it was really expensive because its material, kevlar, its seats, leather, and the hull, 9 yards.
...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of material evidence.
And so I was wondering...what if in front of me stand five people, but I can only.. C4?
Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.
Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.
He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.
I was talking about a war movie where they had a debriefing and my dad yells from the other room: "THATS WHAT I DO BEFORE GETTING IN THE SHOWER! "
It was tough, most of the material went over my head.
Not the first place I’d look for prime mate material
He wanted to get some new material.
It’s great material.
Denim Denim Denim
