Mariner 1 Puns

Marine Le Pun

The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"

"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"

"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"

"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."

when they already have so many full marines?

If there was a country made surrounded by water, would they call it marination?

Says the one to the other: "Sub'marine."

A marine mammal research group captured a rather odd porpoise on a recent trip. It appeared to have feet! After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "wouldn't it be humane to have our ship's doctor amputate the feet so that it can live like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life!" exclaimed the doctor. "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

The biologist is so amazed at the marine life that they walk into the ocean never to be seen again.

The physicist is so amazed by fluid dynamics that they walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

The chemist looks at the ocean, picks up a stick and writes a simple observation in the sand. "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

The rhyme of the ancient mariner.

So he’s mostly known as a psychologist, self help Guru and “philosopher” but he also did some interesting work in Marine Biology.

One of the papers he worked on was on how the nuclear tests in the Bikini Atol effected Predator genetics.

The results learned that the nuclear tests during the cold war disrupted shark breeding so much that species were splitting apart.

They called it the Post Modern Neo Shark Schism.

A tan hut!!

Ps, my buddy who is a marine hates me for this joke

Then I saw another marine animal, and I thought it was otter.

Marine Animals

Crete's-marine

A shrub-marine

A Sub-Marine!

They join the Marine Corpse.

do they become part of the marine corpse?

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

Marine Biologists!!

The scuba diver turns to the marine and says "I can't handle this job anymore, I undergo too much pressure"

The marine looks at the diver and tells him "It may be hard now, but once you get used to it it'll all be smooth sailing"

• Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

• Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

• Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

• Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

• Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

• Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

• Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

• Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

• Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

• Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

• Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

• Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

• Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

• Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

• Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

• Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

• Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

• Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

• Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

• Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

• Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

• Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

• Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

• Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

• Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

He told them he was a marine biologist

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niño, el niño, el niño

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niño, el niño, el niño

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niño, el niño, el niño

While I was watching my youngest brother's computer screen, my other brother, currently in the Marines, sends him an invite to play a game.

>Marines: You down?

>Youngest: No, I don't have an extra chromosome.

If a US Marine jumps into the ocean can you call him a aquamarine?

...Living Up To 400 Years Old!

Marine 1 - How Do They Know That?

Marine 2 - They Checked His Birth Certificate.

Last weekend I attended the Marine Corps Ball

I was telling him about it and how we had a very nice time

he responded with "wow, sounds like you had a "ball"!"

I stopped by my parents house for dinner - Mom: I picked up Halibut at Costco Dad: I'm gunna marinate it and grill just for the Halibut!

Me: dad meet my new GF (older, but he has told the same joke for 11 years now...from HS to when I went to the Marine Corps and...now at good college... brought my GF home....still the same Joke) Dad: (as were leaving) remember kids (I'm 27) never pet a burning dog...(I sigh)....and remember outside of a dog a book is a mans best friend (pause ..as always GF turns around with a questionable look on her face)....because inside a dog its too dark to read .... Me: Smile put arm around my GF and just keep walking ..thinking to myself....one day Ill pull this same shit on my kids...one day

I was unloading salt from a truck when one of the lieutenants was walking by. He asked me what was going on and I said "Sir, I'm just being the saltiest marine around!" A groan followed my statement.

My girlfriend is marinating chicken in a bowl in the morning for our dinner.

GF: Can you shake the chicken for me?

Me: Yeah, sure.

(I shake it up good)

Me: Hey honey, the chicken might need some help.

GF: Why?

Me: Because it's pretty shaken up.

GF: ...

Refferring to a piece of meat, she said, "What can I marinate you in?"

And without missing a beat, my dad chimes in with, "Well a bag usually works pretty well!"

Groans were shared by all.

First time at a Warhammer 40k store. I'm familiar with the game but have never played. Display window has a seven foot marine figure that is painted and badass. As I walk in,

"Whoa! How many points to play him?!?"

Me pointing at marine. Three nerds playing magic stop to look at me. Store employee looks up without moving his head. Two other store patrons turn to look at me.

Crickets.